Capt. Stottlemeyer[On the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [Pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [Pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [Pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! Slams the phone down]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[To the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Captain, we just got a call.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Okay.
You'd better put down the cup.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Just tell me who called, Randy.
Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Why?
Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]
I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]
Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Let's go, Randy.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]
FFirst Detective
Hey, the cavalry is here.
Can I have the room, please?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
You can't blame yourself.
Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation.
[Crouching by the body] Poison.
No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
Capt. Stottlemeyer
So how did he do it?
I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
LDLt. Disher
According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
PKPatrick Kloster
That's right.
LDLt. Disher
And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?
PKPatrick Kloster
Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
PKPatrick Kloster
I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
PKPatrick Kloster
Did she?
She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
PKPatrick Kloster
My wife was an unstable woman.
She didn't seem unstable.
PKPatrick Kloster
I'm sure she was. [Turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Heart attack.
Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
PKPatrick Kloster
And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
PKPatrick Kloster
Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
PKPatrick Kloster
Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
[Starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."
PKPatrick Kloster
Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy writing something down in his notebook]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What's that? [Randy shows the page to him] "It looks like her number came up."
It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah.
You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah I heard about that.
Everybody heard about it. People were repeating it; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
If you say so.
Yeah I just need to pick the right moment.
MEMedical Examiner
[Approaching] Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Okay. [Starts to sign the paperwork]
MEMedical Examiner
I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
KOfficer Kelton
I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at him]
KOfficer Kelton
Hey! What are you doing?
What are you doing? That was my line, man.
KOfficer Kelton
What are you talking about?
Lt. Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]
You know what, he must have heard me! That's okay, look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook!
KOfficer Kelton
Look, I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.
[In disbelief] Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can you believe this guy? You know, I'm gonna have your badge, Officer...
[Stottlemeyer grabs him and drags him away]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.
[Natalie prepares for her first lottery drawing]
BLBilly Logan
Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
BLBilly Logan
Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
SMStage Manager
90 seconds!
90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
BLBilly Logan
There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [To himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]
SLStan Lawrence
Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
SLStan Lawrence
They usually do.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
SLStan Lawrence
You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
BLBilly Logan
I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]
Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [Pause, then Monk gives her a gesture that implies; "get-on-with-it" ] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
BLBilly Logan
[Whispering] Turn it on. [Pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button. She jumps, startled]
My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Tears up some fan mail] Seven dwarves.
[Draws the number 32] The next number.... 32. 32 teeth. [Clicks her teeth and draws the number 10] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Aw, crap!
Apparently not everybody's favorite. [The number 17 gets drawn] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age. [Little wave] Hi Julie! [Pause] Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [Pauses] You'll thank me later! [The music stops]
"You'll thank me later?" That's my line! I say that!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Tearing up some fan mail] You know, I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Hey Monk? Look at this.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
It's the other lens. [Pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]
Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
[With an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim- [becomes silent]
Some other what? "Bim" what?!
[Mulls it over] Bimportant person.
Mr. Monk, do- do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]
[Relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.
No I quit you. I quit us.
[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]
RRRay "The Machine" Regis
Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I guess I stand corrected.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
We're looking for Charles Bach.
The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
FMFrankie Marino
Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]
FMFrankie Marino
[To Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Nope.
FMFrankie Marino
Okay, let's talk.
Why did I just get undressed?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.
[Monk decides to go on welfare]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Good. I'll get more money, won't I?
[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
You should have just kept it all in your basement.
DMDaniel MacGraw
It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
DMDaniel MacGraw
[Sarcastically] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
[Shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.
[About Monk] Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
[Ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Capt. Stottlemeyer
The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]
Do you, uh, have the warrant?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What? You've gotta be kidding! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]
Found it. It was right behind this CD. [Shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, just give him the damn CD!
You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play, much to Stottlemeyer's annoyance, then a SWAT team, all of them armed with Heckler & Koch MP5A3 submachine gun - along with Stottlemeyer and Disher (both of them wearing Kevlar vests and carrying their own weapons) standing outside the photo studio's front door]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first officer breaches the door with a battering ram, and the SWATs enter their room with their guns drawn]
FSFirst SWAT Officer
Clear! [They then storm next room] Clear!
[In the main room of the studio, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Is that lipstick? That's good enough.
I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
FSFirst SWAT Officer
The what?
Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [Leaves the room]
Monk · 667 quotes
