Captain Leland Stottlemeyer quotes from Monk

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Reading] "Her former costar, Steven Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me'."

That is a figure of speech.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

"'She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck.'"

Monk

Did you say that? Why would you say that?

Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

Monk

[Looking at a photo of Frank DePalma']' Oh my God! It's me!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He's your twin!

Lt. Disher

That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Who says that?

Lt. Disher

People... and their doppelgängers.

What was her name?

Monk

Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]

Teegerb?

Monk

With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. It's French Canadian.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[In the van] Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb".

Natalie

Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.

Monk

[From outside] Sorry.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.

Monk

I'm sorry.

Natalie

Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]

Monk

"I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.

Natalie

Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.

Now, did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?

Natalie

Mr. Friedken, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.

Natalie

You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.

Monk

I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I'm proud of you, man. You're getting back on the horse.

Lt. Disher

Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.

Monk

Okay, that's a good note.

Natalie

Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.

Monk

Did I do that?

Natalie

Just a couple times.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

More than a couple of times.

Monk

I'd better write these down.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There are no timeouts.

Natalie

Right.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No do-overs.

Natalie

No heavy, heavy, sweating.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, no, no, no.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where the hell is Randy?

Natalie

Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[In disbelief] You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?

Natalie

The morning edition comes out at midnight! They're gonna review Julie's play!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.

Lt. Disher

We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]

Miranda

Maybe his name began with a J?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Did you just write that down?

Lt. Disher

I put a question mark after it.

Natalie

"A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]

Monk

I thought you threw that out!

Natalie

I bought another one!

Monk

Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!

Natalie

Look who's talking!

Monk

That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.

Natalie

How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!

Natalie

He broke my little girl's heart! [Snatches the newspaper from her]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Julie's a tough kid!

Natalie

He called her forgettable!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.

Miranda

Did she know Callie too?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]

Monk

Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?

Monk

Can we talk to him?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?

Monk

He's-He's my men's room attendant.

Natalie

It was John Hannigan.

Lt. Disher

Oh no-

Natalie

It had to be him. He worked at the theater.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]

Monk

Nicotine gum?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.

Monk

Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.

Natalie

Why?

Monk

You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.

Natalie

[Hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?

Monk

I can't explain it, yet.

Lt. Disher

What, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]

Natalie

You know what? It's not funny! I used to laugh about it, too.

Natalie

Voodoo. Black magic.

Monk

Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff?

Natalie

Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?

Monk

I don't know-

Lt. Disher

Oh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day. Right? So maybe the killer was waiting, behind that tree with a baseball gun.

Natalie

A baseball gun? There's no such thing!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah, but there are pitching machines.

Natalie

All right, how would your baseball gun killer-

Lt. Disher

That's a good name for him actually.

Natalie

...how would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [No response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [Mimics hitting his head with a ball]

Natalie

[Incredulously] With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Matter-of-factly] Yeah.

Natalie

Was she that strong?

Yeah, she exercised.

Natalie

I think voodoo's looking better and better.

Monk

All right, let's be rational! We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything!

Natalie

Except voodoo. [Randy takes a call on his cell phone]

Monk

I don't understand! Did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?

Natalie

I don't wanna talk about it!

Lt. Disher

[On his phone] We'll be right there. [Hangs up]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy, what is it?

Lt. Disher

There's been another doll.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?

Lt. Disher

[Looking out the window] She's shaking her head.

Monk

It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]

Monk

Heart attack.

Lt. Disher

Victim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.

Monk

Why's that?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case...

Lt. Disher

He's real superstitious.

Adrian Monk

So I see.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-

Lt. Disher

Same as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

"Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No-no-no-no, no toche la muneca ["Do not touch the doll"], you understand me? Do not touch la muneca! Don't touch anything! [He listens] Look, we'll have an officer there in 20 minutes! [He hangs up and turns to Monk] I told the Mayor not to go public; now we've got fifty copycats out there, half the town is getting voodoo dolls in the mail and all of them want a squad car in their driveway!

Monk

Yeah but these are the four; the only four that count. [He walks over to a bulletin board containing photos (from left to right) of Natalie, Martha Murphy, Robert Boyd, and Ralph Farris, with each person's respective doll being placed underneath their head shot] The same wrapping paper, same handwriting. That's strange: he doesn't write the address on the boxes. He uses these labels. [He scans the address labels]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's the damndest thing, huh?

Monk

What about the victims? Is there any connection?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No. No, the FBI's been running their names all day. There's no connection. Oh, and here's some more bad news: our primary suspect - our only suspect - is not gonna fly. [Takes a surveillance photo of Jorgensen off the board]

Monk

Hmmm, the guy who was selling all the dolls?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Reverend Jorgensen. He's got an alibi for all three victims.

Monk

And now Natalie.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And now Natalie. How's she doing?

Monk

Uh, scared to death. I just talked to Randy; she hasn't gotten off the couch all day. Now he says she's wearing one of those plastic dog funnels around her neck!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well that can't be good.

Lt. Disher

Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.

Monk

Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.

Lt. Disher

That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?

Lt. Disher

What do you think the opposite of a spider?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.

Lt. Disher

Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.

Natalie

Are you crying?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, I have allergies.

Lt. Disher

It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!

Natalie

I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.

Monk

As a matter of fact, you are not.

Natalie

Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!

Monk

Oh, for the love of God, why?

Natalie

Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.

Monk

You are so cruel.

Natalie

Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

That's all there is [of him].

Natalie

But he's all... squished!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.

Lt. Disher

We've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]

Natalie

That's not funny!

Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [More laughter]