A character in Monk
Played by Tony Shalhoub
Monk · 667 quotes
Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)
[After Monk misses seeing his marathon idol, Tonday, because he was uninvitedly fixing someone's sweater...]
MonkIt was askew!
So what? So what -- why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
MonkYes, I'm the Askew Police.
[Tonday gives Monk his headband from his famous 1973 run. Monk places it against his cheek.]
MonkThank you, my friend. Thank you for this. This... means the world to me.
I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it.
[Tonday gets into his taxi. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it.]
MonkBaggie! Baggie! Baggie, baggie!
Just give it to me.
[Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis.]
Mom coulda got that shot. You think she's letting him win?
MonkI wouldn't be surprised.
You know, why do girls do that?
MonkSomeday you'll understand. [pauses] When you do, call me and explain it to me.
[Monk and Disher are talking on the phone]
So, you want to tell me what's going on?
MonkI think this time, he might have killed his wife.
Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
MonkNo, but I think this place is run by the same company.
[Trying to locate the murder victim, Monk investigates some missing bags of quicklime.]
Adrian MonkThere had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those palette boards?
They don't belong there.
[Monk compares the window height to the palette stack height.]
Adrian MonkThey were short.
A short gang of lime thieves?
Adrian MonkIt's a nutty world.
Adrian MonkOkay, just for the record, what we just did...
Breaking and entering?
Adrian MonkYeah... it's wrong. Don't-don't do it.
[Monk, with Benjy tagging along, checks out the maids' locker room.]
Think the dead body's in here?
Adrian MonkMaybe. It's been everywhere else.
[Benjy turns on the tap and rusty colored water comes out]
The water's all rusty!
Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles.]
[banging on the door] Mr. Monk?
Adrian MonkDon't come in, I'm taking a bath.
With my mineral water?!
Adrian MonkI tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty.
Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me $95 dollars!
Adrian Monk[oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Really?
Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Are you gonna arrest him?
D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian MonkCaptain, what about the note on the door?
My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian MonkI don't know.
Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
"A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian MonkI think it's "C".
"C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian MonkI don't know yet.
[Monk is talking to Lt. Disher on an airplane phone.]
Are you really up there in an airplane?
MonkIt's better than being up here not in an airplane.
[Stephan's girlfriend locks Monk inside the bathroom while he is changing. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.]
MonkSharona! Open up! This isn't funny!
[Sharona opens the door. Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper.]
What's that?
MonkIt's my will.
[Monk takes drastic measures to stop the Chabrols from leaving Newark]
Adrian MonkHi! Hello. [clears his throat] Yeah, I'm, uh, worried about a buddy of mine, uh, Captain Claude Pritchard.
Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. He's on the tarmac right now. He's been cleared to take off.
Adrian MonkSo, he made it okay. What a relief. Unbelievable.
What do you mean?
Adrian MonkUh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. We were out partying all last night, and into this morning, and…we're just…party boys.
Party boys?
Adrian MonkYeah. Yeah, it was pretty ugly there for--I tried to take his keys away, but you know how old Claude gets when he's totally… [Sharona mouths the word "hammered"] Hammered.
[Cuts to the inside of the plane, where Stefan Chabrol and "Barbara" toast their wine glasses]
Ladies and gentlemen, we have been asked to return to the gate. Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.
Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
MonkNo, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.
Adrian MonkUsed to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their report.
[takes paper towel, reaches for the coffee pot with the regular coffee, and starts pouring it into the pot with the decaf]
Adrian MonkWere you all here when Miss Landow died?
That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test.
Adrian MonkSo - so you were all together? [looks closely at the pots to make sure they are even]
No, we were in different classrooms.
Adrian...!
[Monk is not happy with the measurements. So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out]
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Adrian MonkOh - um... just making them even.
[highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
Adrian MonkBut they're even.
But they're mixed together!
Adrian MonkBut they're - they're even.
But they're mixed together.
Adrian MonkBut they're even...
But they're mixed together.
Adrian MonkBut they're even...
[changes the subject]
[Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen]
MonkWhat am I going to eat and drink?
Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico.
MonkAnswer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 100 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
