Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Sharona

You okay?

Monk

I just wanna be alone.

Sharona

Okay, I'll come with you.

Sharona

Let's go up in the Ferris Wheel, then we'll be able to see everything.

Monk

I've got a better idea. You go up in the Ferris Wheel and you can see everything.

Sharona

You do know how to operate this thing, right?

Monk

How hard can it be?

Sharona

Get me down! I thought you said you knew how to operate this thing!

Monk

I am not familiar with this particular model!

Monk

What am I doing up here? What am I doing up here?!

Sharona

Rescuing me!

Sharona

So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?

Monk

Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse. Now don't ever take my shoes again!

Now remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong. [looks over one patient's work] Very good. I love those eyes.

Adrian Monk

Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?

Adrian Monk

I-I-I need to wash up.

Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!

Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?

[takes a breath] Controlling the urge to lash out.

Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?

[sighs] Sorry.

Adrian Monk

That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.

Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!

Santa Claus!

All right, all right. [He looks at Manny's work] Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait. [We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]

[points to the little boy] That's me.

Hmm. Why are you so small?

Everybody's small compared to Santa. [Janie turns to Monk]

He actually sits up every night and waits for him.

I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.

It's August, whackjob!

It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.

If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.

Sharona Fleming

Well, how much longer?

That's hard to say. It could be a month.

Sharona Fleming

A month? [They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]

It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.

Sharona Fleming

Santa Claus?

Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional. [Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk] Adrian, look who's here.

Sharona Fleming

Hey, boss. How you feelin'?

Adrian Monk

Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.

Sharona Fleming

Well, we were just talking about that.

Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday? [He shows some artwork] Oh, here it is. Wait a minute. [shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]

Adrian Monk

Did I draw that?

You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?

Sharona Fleming

Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.

Adrian Monk

[scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.

We'd love to see it, Adrian.

Adrian Monk

It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...

Sharona Fleming

Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?

Adrian Monk

Like... Santa's tuis.

Sure. [He and Sharona walk away]

Sharona Fleming

He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.

Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.

Sharona Fleming

Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.

Adrian Monk

Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.

Monk

Don't laugh, I just wanted to make sure.

Sharona

Is there a tree by the window?

Monk

Yes.

Sharona

Is there a mobile by the closet?

Monk

Yes.

Sharona

Is there a picture of Trudy on the nightstand?

Monk

Yes.

Sharona

Adrian, you are in your own house.

Adrian Monk

Walk me through it.

Captain Stottlemeyer

It's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber... [off Monk's look] I already called, he's licensed. Bang, bang, bang. Three in the chest.

Adrian Monk

So, I just have one question: What am I doing here?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Here comes the punch line: Our perp is Sidney Teal.

Sharona Fleming

The computer guy?

Adrian Monk

Get out of town!

Captain Stottlemeyer

Take a look. [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] That's what $5 billion looks like.

Adrian Monk

Get-out-of-town! What in God's name was he doing? [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]

Captain Stottlemeyer

I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.

Adrian Monk

Yeah. I wouldn't know.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.

Adrian Monk

Well--

Sharona Fleming

No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee!

Adrian Monk

Sharona, could you give me a second here? [Sharona walks away] You know, this is insane.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out. [He uncovers Teal's leg] This guy's wearin' knee pads.

Adrian Monk

Knee pads?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Yeah, and he's got elbow pads.

Adrian Monk

Was he planning on going rollerblading after?

You know, it's funny. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.

Sharona Fleming

Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine how that must feel.

Adrian Monk

Get in the car!

Monk

It doesn't make any sense.

Stottlemeyer

Does everything have to make sense, Monk?

Monk

Well... yeah, it kinda does.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Monk

I am, 24-7.

Sharona

I am not coming to get you in the middle of the night!

Monk

You won't have to get me -- I'm not a child, Sharona. [worriedly] Can't find my PJs!

Stottlemeyer

Hey, Monk!

Stottlemeyer

I'm sorry.

Monk

You don't have to say that.

Stottlemeyer

Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me.