LHLieutenant Harper
Are you men doctors?
Only when the moon is full.
S2The Chosen People
S2As You Were
[listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.
Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.
[Scrubbing up before returning to the OR.] If my hands could talk, they'd scream. I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
NNurse
Why don't you see a doctor?
How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
S2Crisis
[in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776, on their way to Lexington and Concord, had stopped to worry about . . . toilet paper?!
So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.
According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."
[Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?
The heat inspector!
You can't come in!
Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!
Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day, and ask for Thy divine help for tomorrow.
Same time, same station.
S2George
I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
Let us guess.
Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?
No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!
The man is not normal!
What's normal, Frank?
Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
What about individuality?
Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.
Frank, you're the only man I know who would make George Washington look like a slacker.
S2Mail Call
[reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
[pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
Yes, sir.
[going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
S2A Smattering of Intelligence
It all depends on HQ.
HQ.
Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
Who's Colonel Flagg?
[referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
Is this guy available for kids' parties?
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