(A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck)
If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
SSoldier
I'm a private.
Don't pull rank on ME!
S5Bug Out
Hawkeye (hearing an explosion): Is today the Fourth of July?
September.
Just a wild hope.
You people...
[The phone rings in the distance]
[running off] I'll get...
Get the phone, Radar. You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.
Thank you, sir.
My pleasure, Now you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely [Radar returns and hands the message to Potter, who reads...] bugging out in three hours! [Pause] BUG OUT!
S5Margaret's Engagement
BBJ
Frank, weren't you a Boy Scout?
Yes. I was. Later, I was Scoutmaster.
Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.
Not true. That was a drill.
I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?
Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
Yeah, that one.
Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
(smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.
S5Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Pierce, you disgust me!
That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.
Radar [reading Hawkeye's letter]: "Take care, son. We are connecting the dogs."
That's "counting the days."
"We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.
What?
Major Burns, coming this way.
S5Lt. Radar O'Reilly
Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.
BBJ
Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
Had to happen.
BBJ
It was in the cards.
S5The Nurses
Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... [gasps and breaks down] hear you laughing and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
NNurse
We didn't think you'd accept.
Well, you were wrong.
S5The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan
Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!
Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
What happened?
BBJ
Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!
(Later on)
Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?
Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.
I'm not acting!
BJB.J.
Get away from me!
Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?
We promise, Frank.
What happened here?
Frank shot B.J.
Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!
How bad is it?
Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---
(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?
You mean the, uh---?
Right!
I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!
I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)
Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
Sorry, sir.
Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.
Permission to look for Major Houlihan
Permission denied!
But I....
No!
I'll go wait in my tent!
Potter (disgusted) A mental pygmy!
[after Radar immediately recognizes Col. Flagg despite his elaborate outfit]
All right, pipsqueak, how'd you know it was me?
Well, sir, you don't look anything like yourself. And since you're a master of disguises, I figure only you could look that much not like you.
I'll buy that. But if you cross me, you could get a "Number Eight."
(nervously) What's that?
Have you ever heard of the Malaysian chest-implosion torture?
No.
Good. Because there's no such thing. Yet.
S5Dear Sigmund
I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.