M*A*S*H Season 11 quotes

Hawkeye

I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.

Margaret

Fine.

Hawkeye

Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.

Margaret

Uh-huh.

Hawkeye

One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Margaret

Well I did everything I could and I'd do the same thing all over again. There is no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.

Margaret

Maj. Winchester what is that?

Charles

That is a floor which astonishingly enough I am sweeping.

Margaret

Plaster will not be sweeped off the floor. It has to be scrapped off with a razor.

Charles

Winchesters do not shave floors.

Margaret

Do Winchesters heal quickly?

Klinger

The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!

Hawkeye

Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.

Klinger

How about billiard balls?

What?!

Klinger

A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.

Now, that must have been some shot.

Hawkeye

Can he breathe?

Klinger

Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.

Well, he was half right.

Hawkeye

The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.

It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.

Hawkeye

Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.

Right.

I refuse to lie.

And you call yourself a PR man.

I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.

Hawkeye

Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?

Margaret

He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.

Hawkeye

See?

Charles

Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.

One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.

Mulcahy

What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.

Hawkeye

When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Charles

Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.

Klinger

OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)

Charles

My word, you have invented the circle!

Klinger

Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.

Charles

Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.

Margaret

I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Charles

Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?

There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?

Klinger

Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?

Charles

Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

Hawkeye

All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.

Surprise me?

Hawkeye

Yeah.

It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.

Relax, you're gonna love it.

That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.