Maxwell Klinger quotes from M*A*S*H

Klinger

Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!

Klinger

Jealous?

Klinger

Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.

Klinger

Good lord, he's dead.

Klinger

Damn Stalin, Truman, whoever!

Klinger

If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.

Klinger

If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon!

Klinger

Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.

Klinger

Who put gasoline in my gasoline?

Klinger

In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.

Klinger

When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way...with a section 8!

Klinger

I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.

Klinger

All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.

Klinger

OK, OK, something right's gotta happen here, hey stay back you're in my light.

Klinger

Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!

Klinger

It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.