[following Hawkeye's "toast"] I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
S2Hot Lips and Empty Arms
[Pierce gives Margaret a shot]
Ow! What was that?
Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
Oh... And I didn't get you anything...
Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
That's OK, the champagne I just had was gin.
Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake.
[drunk] That's really swell of you, Pete.
S2Officers Only
DDuk
One Shirley Temple.
I've been dying for one of these all day. [drinks] That's very good...
DDuk
Kwang Duk, sir.
That's a cute name.
DDuk
We're a cute people.
DDuk
Can I get you something, sir?
You bet. I'm dying for a banana daiquiri.
DDuk
Is that a drink?
Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
DDuk
We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
Okay, I'll have a beer.
S2Henry In Love
I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
It's for the best, Henry.
Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.
[To his son, on the phone.]
I don't care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustn't hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, you're the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!
S2For Want of a Boot
They love you, Frank.
It was their hatred that fooled me.
I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.
You're asking me to let a pervert out of the Army?!
Oh, by all means, Frank. Let's leave the perverts in the Army.
Anyway, Klinger's not a pervert.
HLHot Lips
How do you know?
Because I'm one--and he's never at the meetings!
S2Operation Noselift
Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
Sir?
Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
Then you sign it for me.
Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
[seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
RRobbins
[pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
RRobbins
The wit in this room flows like molasses.
[while playing catch]
Hey, you got a good, strong arm there, Father.
Well, you develop a lot of muscle wrestling with temptation.
S2The Chosen People
[After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
PPak
No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
[After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
PPak
Sorry to hear that.
What?
PPak
Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.