M*A*S*H quotes

576 total quotes

(A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck)
Frank: If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
Soldier: I'm a private.
Frank: Don't pull rank on ME!

(after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
Hawkeye (laughing): Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?

(after Clete Roberts asks Klinger what he'll remember about serving in Korea)
Klinger: All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.

(after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

(after Margaret bets another week's pay for herself, Hawkeye and BJ)
Hawkeye: I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.
Margaret: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: What's the matter?!
BJ: What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!
Hawkeye: Each!
Margaret: You men. You always worry about little things.

(at show end)
Mulcahy: (talking about a patient): Is he going to be all right?
Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an avalanche, or Frank could operate on him again.
Frank: Twerp.
(Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)
South Koreans: You tell him, Ferret Face.

(BJ begins humming)
Hawkeye: You have just heard the ponderous words of Doctor Charles Emerson Supercillious, the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.

(BJ shouts for joy)
Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Potter: How do you know that?
BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
Klinger: What are you talking about?
BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?

(BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
BJ: You love dirt?
Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
BJ: All right. To dirt.
Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.

(Charles is in the shower)
Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
Charles: Do I still have a palate?
Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
Charles: For--! My last offer was thirty.
Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase
Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Klinger: Try a little more soap.
Charles: But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '37 Bordeaux. Your taking advantage of me. You know I'm an eonophile.
Klinger: Hey talk like that in the shower makes me nervous. Now do you want it or don't you?
Charles: Unfortunately I am at a disadvantaged position. You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.

(Charles moans of a toothache)
Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.

(Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)
Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
BJ: Why? What's wrong?
Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
Hawkeye: Oy.
Potter: Yeah, oy.

(discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
Charles: What about we do something civilized?
Klinger: Like what?
Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Margaret: This is for Pierce?
BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
Charles: This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.

(discussing Dr. Traeger)
Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
BJ (laughing): I know what I should've done.
Hawkeye: What?
BJ: Could've really showed him.
Hawkeye: What? What?
BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
BJ: Well, you would.
Hawkeye: Well, yeah.

(Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.