Pierce, you need to sign in upon returning to the camp.
Hello, honey, I'm home.
S4Welcome to Korea
There's no Jeep here, Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.
[In Rosie's Bar, where a fight goes throughout the scene]
Any diversion is welcome, except the diversions become routine. Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think I feel closer to the people in this hospital than I've ever been to anybody else in my life, or ever expect to. [To bartender] Keep 'em coming, Kim.
KKim
On Hawkeye's tab?
Right. I'm entertaining a client.
My teeth will turn purple.
Women love that.
BBJ
You know, I really can't wait to see the place.
You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. [The fight breaks through the window behind, with only BJ noticing] So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die. Drink up, you're behind.
BBJ
In other words, do your job as best you can, and shove...
You got it. [Radar casually moves to the bar just as the fight crashes into their table] Please, I'm with friends.
[returning] They're all out of maraschino cherries.
Kim, some more sake.
BBJ
[drunkenly greeting Frank for the first time] What say you, Ferret Face?
S4Change of Command
Radar (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!
Father Mulcahy. (Sees the cross Mulcahy has around his neck). Yes, of course. You're clean.
Thank God, sir.
Catholic?
Yes, sir.
Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?
I handle all denominations. Colonel.
Any other Methodists in the outfit?
Two or three.
Good. I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.
HHoulihan
Sir!
Chief nurse.
HHoulihan
Yes, sir.
Ten years, spotless record.
HHoulihan
Thank you sir.
Major Frank Burns.
HHoulihan
Just friends, sir. I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.
Captain Pierce.
Yo!
Keep your yo's to yourself. Captain Hunnicutt.
BBJ
Yes sir.
You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.
That was an accident.
BBJ
We were having a weenie roast.
In the latrine?
BBJ
We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.
Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.
That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.
And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.
I couldn't get a cab.
I gather you drink.
Only to excess.
Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!
I'm not that easy.
Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head-to-toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!
S4It Happened One Night
Lie down and rest.
I'd rather do it in my own bed.
All right, go back to your tent.
My bed in Toledo.
JJenkins
Halt, who goes there?
It's the Colonel.
JJenkins
Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.
Don't you want to know the password?
JJenkins
I already know it, sir.
[On the phone] I'm trying to get the shelling stopped, it's outgoing.
[A loud artillery explosion is heard, a patient in the ward is heard screaming]
That's OUR stuff?
Well, we can't let them have all the fun. [Another artillery explosion briefly dims the lights; Radar turns to the phone] Yeah, 386? Yeah, this is MASH 4077th, can you cut the heavy overhead stuff? We're a hospital here, we've got patien-! [Hears from the other end of the phone]
What?
He's got a suggestion, but I think it's physically impossible.
Give me that phone. [Takes the phone] Who is this?
Lt. Gage.
Lt. Gage? Capt. Pierce, here. Listen, those shells of yours are bouncing our guys right out of their beds, give us a break, huh? We're on the same team! [Listens to Gage's response] Uh huh...[Hands the phone back to Radar]
What did he say?
You're right, Radar. He's got a lot to learn about anatomy.
S4The Late Captain Pierce
Hawkeye They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home, they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.
Well, you are, doctor, I am afraid, what George Orwell referred to in 1984 as an "un-person." [chuckles]
An "un-person"? Now I'm an un-person. Do you know that right now back in Maine my father, not realizing I'm undead, is at this moment mourning his "un-son."
Well, I don't know any other way out of it.
Oh, you don't, huh? He just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the Salvation Army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks I've shaken off this khaki coil!
S4Hey, Doc
(Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
Hawkeye (from outside): Frank, are you in there?
They're trying to catch us at something.
We're not DOING anything.
Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?
Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp?
Pay no attention, Father. Just rumors.
Just a rumor.
Huh. [Two gunshots hit the shower room they are in. Mulcahy hurries into the same stall that Radar is in] That "rumor" almost came through the door!
GGriswald
Civilians!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.