That's bribery!
No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!
S9The Best of Enemies
Potter (after Margaret tells Charles that Potter order her to play with him): Confucius say: "A bird on the collar beats your fifty dollar."
S9Letters
Hawkeye (passing out letters): Here's one in crayon, must be for Charles.
I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.
BJ (reading from a letter): "Dear Doctors, You live a great life, I am jealous of you."
Je- He what?! Jealous.
BJ (still reading): "You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky."
I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) "My dear diminutive correspondent, Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
BBJ
Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.
You are great with scissors (talking to Bill the lawyer), you could be a doctor or a barber.
This is so unprofessional, I really must object.
BBJ
Objection overruled
Relax Margaret. The lawyer is only here on a trial basis
BBJ
Haven't you ever heard of anyone ever practicing medicine?
And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests
BBJ
OR is now adjourned (Hits an emesis basin with a hammer)
(answering letter): "Dear Virginia, It is with indescribable joy that I accept your gift. It is indeed testimony to the beauty that exists in all creation, but perhaps nowhere more than in a young girl's heart."
(answering a letter after operating on a young boy): "Ronnie, it's not a good idea to take the love you had for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate makes war, and war is what killed him. I understand your feelings. Sometimes I hate myself for being here. But once in a while, in the midst of this insanity, a very small event can make my being here seem almost bearable. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, Ronnie except to suggest that you look for good wherever you can find it."
S9Cementing Relationships
Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?
C-A-W...
I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
K-A-W...?
Now you've got it.
My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.
S9Father's Day
BBJ
We can throw a surprise party in the mess tent. That's the last place anybody would expect to find food.
You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.
AHAl Houlihan
Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
AHAl Houlihan
I beg your pardon?
Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
AHAl Houlihan
Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
AHAl Houlihan
Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
AHAl Houlihan
What do you mean by that?
Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
AHAl Houlihan
That had nothing to do with Margaret!
Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
AHAl Houlihan
It shouldn't be happening to me.
You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
AHAl Houlihan
Colonel...
You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
AHAl Houlihan
Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.
S9Death Takes a Holiday
(after a Korean foster father confesses to selling Charles' gifts on the black market to buy food for his children) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.
It never fails to astonish me. You're alive, you're dead. No drums, no flashing lights, no fanfare. You're just dead.
Deny it! Deny it if you can! You took the Christmas candy I gave you and sold it on the black market. Have you no shame?!
CSChoi Sung Ho
May I explain?
No! What you can do is retrieve that candy immediately and have it in the children's stockings by morning! Otherwise they're going to find you hanging by the chimney without care!
CSChoi Sung Ho
Major, I cannot. The money is gone.
[aghast] You...parasite!
CSChoi Sung Ho
Please. Your generous gift, and your insistence that it remain anonymous, touched me deeply. The candy would have brought great joy to the children, for a few moments. But on the black market, it was worth enough rice and cabbage to feed them for a month.
[Charles stops, surprised]
Rice and cabbage?
CSChoi Sung Ho
I know. I have failed to carry out your family tradition. And I am very sorry.
[chastened] On the contrary, it is I who should be sorry. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who's had no meal.
CSChoi Sung Ho
Shall we share, as you say, some Christmas cheer?
No, thank you...but please, go ahead.
Ah, Major Winchester, the party of one. Dinner is served.
[irked] What is this?
Well, let me see: For your appetizer, the last of the macadamias, followed, by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar-cured ham, and hog jowls; we have seconds on those. Sorry sir, no smoked oysters; I just smoked the last one.
But I didn't-
And for dessert, fresco fudge, and nutty fruitcake.
All laced with hemlock, I'm sure.
Sorry, sir, no hemlock. But I can get you some ketchup.
And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day?
[heading for the tent door] Oh, just one catch, Major.
Ah?
The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous. It's an old family tradition.
[Deeply moved, Charles turns around; Klinger smiles]
Thank you, Max.
Merry Christmas. Charles.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.