PA Announcement quotes from M*A*S*H

Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]

Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.

Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.

Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.

Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.

Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.

Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.