Peg quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Did you hear something on the news?

Peg

Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

Al

I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

Marcy

Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.

Kelly

Well, you're in the right place.

Peg

Oh, buck up. These things happen.

Al

Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.

Peg

No, what I just don't get is sex.

Al

That'll be Bud's new hobby.

Peg

Sex?

Al

No! Baseball cards.

Marcy

I hate men. They're stupid, ignorant animals with stupid ignorant hobbies. And they hated me. But I didn't need them. I had Barbie.

Marcy

Who's Barbie? America's favorite teenage fashion model, that's who.

Peg

Oh, you mean a Barbie doll. Yeah, I had one of those. I gave one to my boyfriend Keith as a symbol of our love. He was gay as a debutante, you know.

Peg

Kelly's not the problem, Bud. She has moved up to a good, solid "D." Now, you're the one who's in trouble. We went to your school and saw your social studies report. You know, "Brazil: Land of Rubber and Sunshine"? (holds up a poster-sized photo of Kelly watering the backyard in a bikini with the word "Brazil" posted over it and a paper cutout sun): Would you care to explain this picture of your sister in a bikini?

Bud

Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil. So, how'd I do?

Peg

Much like your father in life, you failed.

Peg

Is it dead, Al?

Al

It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg

Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

Al

Nah, now it's personal.

Peg

Is it dead, Al?

Al

It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg

Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

Al

Nah, now it's personal. Not only will I catch this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And, if there's any life left in its twitching, little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open, and make it watch Thirtysomething.

Bud

Did you hear any noises last night, Mom?

Peg

Well, your father had gas.

Bud

No, these were noises I've never heard before.

Kelly

Well, it could have been a girl moaning your name.

Al

Everyone said no?

Peg

No. Everyone said, "Get lost, deadbeat."

Al

You know, the sad part about this is I lied about my income.

Marcy

Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...

Peg

Al, why can't you be more like Steve?

Marcy

...and he's impotent!

Peg

My God, you are like Steve.

Steve

So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?

Peg

How'd you find out?

Steve

Your kids sold you out for a square meal.

Peg

Just the boys.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Peg

Just the girls.

You'll never know, dear...

Al

Ah, Peg, you were great last night. You did the one thing that many husbands want their wives to do: you were asleep when I came home and you were out of bed when I woke up. Is there anything I can do for you?

Peg

You can stop eating beans before bed.

Peg

[thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200

Al

[thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.

Kelly

I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al

Peg?

Peg

Well, it's her time of the month, Al.

Al

What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Bud

Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?

Kelly

Your mother.