Peg quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.

Peg

On this very special occasion I want you to wear the dress that I wore on the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, the football team kept it.

Al

I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg

You will not hate them. They are very nice.

Al

If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Peg

Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?

Al

Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.

Peg

[with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.

Al

[surprised] You wouldn't mind?

Peg

I thought you liked the Cubs.

Kelly

I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.

Peg

Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

Kelly

I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

Peg

In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.

Marcy

Why?

Peg

Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.

Peg

Hey Al, isn't she the one who got wedged in the escalator?

You must be the wife.

Peg

And you must be why they're starving in China.

Marcy

How long does it take to dry a dress?

Peg

In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.

Al

I have an announcement: "Shut up."

Anything else I can do for you?

Peg

Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al

Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Al

Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg

It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al

Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Peg

So Al, you were staring at that girl too?

Al

Yeah...

Peg

I bet she had great legs.

Al

Yeah...

Peg

And good breasts.

Al

Yeah...

Peg

Do you wanna come upstairs?

Al

Yeah... Wait a minute--with you?

Peg

Oh, yeah!

Al

...Okay.

Marcy

Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.

Peg

Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

Marcy

I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?

Peg

Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.

Peg

I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice: "Bless this, honey!"

Al

Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognize the one she gave to me.

Al

Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.

Peg

You got a night job?

Al

No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Peg

Well then, you've been missing work.