I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
[Scene switches to the kitchen]
I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Was that on your assignment sheet?
Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.
Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
[to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
I thought you hadn't read it.
What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.
Which you haven't read yet.
But you just said you did.
No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!
[A small, random kid is eating breakfast at the Wilkerson house]
Dewey, is this a friend of yours?
Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?
[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.
[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.
[Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]
No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.
A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.
[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]
Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]
You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
This is a whole new low, Reese.
[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.
Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!
Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!
[The Wilkersons rush outside while Egg continues sitting in the living room. After a few moments, Hal opens a door]
[At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
LLawyer
Can I have my phone back?
I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]
[yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]
[to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.
