Dewey quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]

Malcolm

[to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.

Hal

You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.

Dewey

[smiling] Not me.

Hal

Well, ask your brothers.

Hal

If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Lois

[Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!

Reese

Nothing.

Lois

Get a glass.

Lois

Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!

Reese

All right! Okay!!!

Dewey

Can I have some milk?

Lois

Yes... but get a glass!

Dewey

Okay.

Malcolm

They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.

Reese

So where's the real letter?

Malcolm

I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.

Dewey

And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

Malcolm

You WHAT?!

Dewey

Live, live, die! [Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away] Live, live, live, live, die! [Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]

Hal

Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?

Dewey

I had them lined up and shot.

Hal

You know son, maybe you've been spending too much...

Dewey

Silence! Seize him! [Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]

Hal

All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. [Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]

Dewey

Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men!

Lois

Hal! Why is this still here! [Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror] Ow.

Reese

No fair! You did it without me!

Dewey

What time is it?

It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.

Dewey

What time is it in China?

Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...

Dewey

Do you speak Chinese?

Well, no...I bet...

Dewey

Is Chinatown in China?

Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...

Dewey

(plays with his feet) What does this toe do?

You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.

Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.

Dewey

I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lois

Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?

Dewey

She's ran away.

Lois

You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

Malcolm

Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.

Dewey

I see an old lady!!

Malcolm

RELOAD! RELOAD!

Francis

Boys, the time has come. You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever. Behold... [empties his bag of supplies]

Dewey

That's not a flying chocolate maker.

Reese

This is just a bunch of tubes.

Francis

Trust me.

Reese

I do trust you, but...I expected something a little more...

Malcolm

[reading the design plans] Oh my God. Will this work?

Francis

Absolutely.

Reese

What? What is it?

Malcolm

It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot!

Francis

A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two-city-blocks. Picture yourself. You're walking down the street, you're minding your own business, when all of a sudden, BAM! You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint, or any number of foul-smelling liquids. [Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey get excited] And you'll never, ever know who did it.

Malcolm

It's the perfect weapon!

Hal

Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.

Lois

Who was that?

Dewey

Wrong number.

Dewey

No.

Reese

You like glitter, Dewey?

Malcolm

This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.

Dewey

What is that?

Malcolm

It's the cest pool.

Dewey

We have a pool?

Malcolm

It's the sewage of the house.

Dewey

I can dance... wanna see?

Patty

Okay.

Hal

So, Dewey, how was school today?

Dewey

Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.

Hal

Well, did you push him back?

Dewey

No, he's bigger than me.

Hal

Uh-huh... Reese?

Reese

I'm on it.

Dewey

Is Reese a girl now?

Malcolm

No, Dewey, he's a woman.

Reese

Shut up.

Malcolm

Sorry, ma'am.