King of the Hill quotes

Bobby

We're square dancing in P.E. today! I'm do-si-do-ing with you, Cherise!

Bobby

[v.o.] Can you pick me up? I'm at the Mocha Bean!

Hank

The Mocha Bean? Right by the starting line?

Hank

You were gone all afternoon and you only walked half a mile?

Bobby

Maybe when it gets to two miles, it flips over.

Hank

He's sleeping? Damn it! That does it!

Hank

Dang it, Bill, why won't you reason to reason? All right, Dale. Help him.

Dale

Wait. Is this a trick?

Hank

Nope. Let 'er rip. Just keep it clean.

Dale

Bill!! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you!! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! UNDERWEAR... MONEY... FAT...! [hunches over exhausted]

Hank

I can't believe I'm gonna die because of you two knuckleheads! Prepare for an eternity of me kicking your ass!

Hank

I still can't believe Bobby cheated on his paper route. I don't even know know how to punish that.

Peggy

Well, the pressures of journalism can be very intense, even I have felt it. But today, I really knocked one out of the park.

Hank

Well, good for you, what's the hint?

Peggy

Okay, get this. I combined two common items in a powerful new way. I told my readers to harness the cleaning power of ammonia with the whitening power of bleach.

Hank

Ammonia and bleach? You told people to mix ammonia and bleach?

Peggy

Only if they want bathroom fixtures that shine like the sun.

Hank

Peggy, that's the recipe for mustard gas! Arlen will be covered with a cloud of poison!

Peggy

BWAH!

Bobby

Sirs, the last few days of delivering papers I've seen things I've never seen before: the sunrise, morning dew, snails on sidewalks - things I never want to see again.

Peggy, have you seen this morning's Bystander?

Peggy

No.

Nobody has. Channel 84 must have gotten tired of being scooped and stolen them all.

Peggy

Well, that's not quite the case.

I gotta hand it to them, this is a real step up from them toilet papering my lawn. Hey, we should go tear down their antenna.

Peggy

Roddy Rae, wait. Channel 84 did not steal our papers. I did. (hands Biffel a letter) I just wanted to write for the paper so bad, I didn't care where I got my ideas. Of course, the mustard gas one was mine.

"In conclusion, I was so busy trying to figure out how to remove the stains that I forgot about the people who actually create them." Peggy, have you heard of a newspaper called The New York Times?

Peggy

Apparently they have a very challenging puzzle.

You think they got their facts straight all the time? No way. Hell, half the time it seems like they're making it up as they go along. I don't need you for facts, Peggy. We got a fact checker for that. Actually, I guess I got to let her go in light of this mustard gas thing. But my point is you got a nice, friendly style, and in this business, well, that's worth more than facts.

Peggy

So, I'm not fired?

From your "Household Hints" column, yes. But you got a way of grabbing people's attention. I need that. (shows Peggy a picture of a goat eating a skirt) I've been wanting to run this photo since the county fair, but no one's come up with a good caption yet.

Peggy

"Woman Skirts Disaster." Come on, give me a hard one. (Biffel shows her more photos) Uh, let's see... "Hat's Incredible." "Jeepers Sweepers." "Pink Ink Stinks Rink." Hmm... wait, give me a minute. Give me a minute. Oh, "Hold the Mayor."

I will now tell stories of my childhood in Laos. Growing up in the village, I had two chickens. One of these was named "Phouma." I don't recall the name of the other chicken. Sometimes I would put both chickens in the wheelbarrow. This was very funny.

Hey, Minh, this guy serious butt-kicker! Anyway, I sorry they kill all your friends.

Yes, that was unhappy for me.

Ted Wassanasong

I don't understand. How do you expect to parade around without your uniform?

Oh, my parading days are over. (Ted Wassanasong stares at him) It's like this, if you want someone to play golf with, give me call. If you want someone to feel guilty about the way they choose to live, call someone else!

Hank

Got-dang it! Kahn, that does it! I'm gonna kick your ass!

Hank Hill

You need to learn how to treat customers with respect and stop calling me a dang monkey!

ACK! Mr. Strickland, help me!

Damn it Hank, what the hell is your problem? Leave him alone!

Hank

I am sorry sir, but I cannot take this any more. I left Jeans West to work for one of the most admired businessmen in Heimlich County. Not for some lazy idiot who does not know what he is doing.

If I do not know what I am doing, how come I am one who mortgaged his house to buy this place? How come you are working for me?

Hank

Not any more I am not.

Hank, I hope you know that Scrubby's is part of the Strickland family. You quit this, you are quitting Strickland.

Hank

If you say so, sir.

Who need him? He not know how to double up on dreams. That is my secret to success.

Not bad. But I got my own little success secret: never kill the golden goose. Kahn, a business thrives on customer relations and back-breaking hard work, and that's the guy who gives it to you. Hank is the golden goose.

Hank

OK, break it up you two. Arlen General cannot two bypasses at once.

Buck, the Tuetils are demanding their appearance fee.

Hank

I am going to field this one, Buck, just sit down and relax.

Can you please keep it brief Hank? I am expecting a call about a job interview.

He wants you to bring him some pants.