Bobby Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Chane

Hello. I'm the owner of Robota Chane, and we'd like to talk to the owner of this fine establishment.

I am the owner.

Bobby

But we spoke to a Mr. Yoshida on the phone.

That is me.

Chane

Dude, don't be a dick. Go get the owner. He's probably a little guy? Black hair?

Get out of my shop!

Chane

Look, I get it. You hate your job. Just tell Yoshida we're here.

Bobby

Chane, I think this is Mr. Yoshida.

Emilio

But you're black.

I was adopted as a baby by Makoto and Yamamoto Junko, and raised in Japan! I'm Japanese. You think coming in here with some token Japanese guy is going to make me sell out?

Chane

I'm Laotian.

Even worse! You think Asians can't steal culture from other Asians? Don't get me started on Hapkido. That shit's just Aikido for Korean.

Bobby

Mr. Yoshida, please! We've got a restaurant to run, and I'm turning a lot of people on to traditional Binchotan-flavored robata. Now why isn't that a good thing?

Still no.

Bobby

You don't understand! I'm down to my last box! I'll have to close my restaurant if I don't get more.

Good! You should have thought of that before you weren't Japanese!

Bobby

What?!

Chane

Now I know this guy's Japanese, 'cause he's stubborn as hell! Your loss, dude! We're gonna find another wood burner. Do you know who my father is? Ted Wassanasong.

Did he play for the Tokyo Giants?

Chane

What? No. But, he can do anything. In fact, he could start a Binchotan business and drive you out of the state!

Oh yeah? Well, then I'll just sue you for racial discrimination against black small businesses.

Chane

You can't play two race cards!

Emilio

Hijole, the cojones on this guy!

Chane

Man, if there was a Laotian martial art, I'd use it to kick your ass!

There is a Laotian martial art. It's called Muay Lao.

Chane

Don't tell me about my culture! It's called "suck it!"

Are you any relaton to Cotton Hill?

Bobby

[laughs] I'm his grandson.

He machine-gunned my grandfather.

Bobby

So he was one of the "fitty men"?

Joseph

Hey, were you mad at me earlier?

Bobby

No. Why?

Joseph

Because this afternoon, you texted me, "Joseph, we need to talk." Period.

Bobby

So periods are angry. No man, I just wanted to tell you that Connie came into the restaurant today.

Joseph

No way! To see you?

Bobby

She was on a date, uh, with Chane.

Joseph

Oh Bobby. Did you freak out? Did you scream at him? Did you slap Connie's name out of his mouth?

Bobby

I was actually really mature about the whole thing, 'cause truth is, I really just want Connie and I to be friends.

Joseph

[unconvinced] Uh-huh...

Bobby

[gets a text] It's her!

Joseph

Connie? What's it say?

Bobby

"It was really great to see you today." Period. "Karaoke tomorrow night?" Question mark?

Joseph

Oh-ho! Sounds like she's got Bobby on the brain! Maybe you still got a shot.

Bobby

Nah, I bet Chane's going too.

Joseph

Dude, still! Say yes!

Bobby

Okay, okay. "Hello, Connie." Period- nope. "It would be my honor to-"

Joseph

[scoffs and takes Bobby's phone] I'll do it. Bobby, you text like AI.

Bobby

The rules are confusing!

Bobby

This is crazy! I'm calling Bronco Barry. [calls Barry]

Goddangit, hello!

Bobby

Mr. Bronco Barry, sir, you told me we were allowed to keep horses in a residential area in Dallas-

No take-backs, mister!

Bobby

But, what about honesty? I thought we were fellow businessmen.

Oh, we are! And I out-businessed you! I've been trying to get rid of that horse for six months, and I ain't paying a large animal vet or some kinda funeral horse home to take him. You know what they charge to bury horses? Huh- do ya?! Two grand! And I wouldn't pay that much to bury my own mammy.

Bobby

Uh, Willow, this is Connie. She's not my girlfriend, but actually, even if she was, it would be okay that she slept over, seeing how you practice ethical non-monagomy.

[scoffs] I heard about that when I was at SMU. It's just some BS college girls say to get side-dick.

Excuse me?! ENM is a relationship structure that allows people to have a connection without hurdles like jealousy or expectations.

Yeah, and side-dick.

I've been telling everyone I know Robata Chane is the place to go.

Bobby

I knew there was a reason you were my favorite customer.

Last time the Germans and Japanese teamed up, I wasn't a fan, but this is delicious.

Bobby

I call it, the Axis of Flavor.

I know the guy that runs the Cowboys Fantasy Camp. Do you think your dad would be into that?

Bobby

Are you kidding? I found the first chapter of a novel he wrote about Tony Romo. He solved mysteries and had a dog that knew karate.

My wife, Martha and I, have been season ticket holders since 1972.

Bobby

Is she here too?

Sure is! [holds up an urn]

My dad used to work here, so I kinda grew up around football.

Bobby

You never told me that.

I hate being negative, and if I talk about my dad, I end up bitching about that piece-of-shit, Jerry Jones who fired him.

Hank

Well, the man has no soul. He fired the late, great Tom Landry, too.

Thanks for making this whole thing slightly bearable.

Bobby

Slightly bearable's what I'm here for. Anything I can do to bump that up to mildly tolerable?

That's the bartender's job.

Bobby

[joining Connie on the golf course] I'm sorry for my part in all of that.

Trust me, you're the last person I blame.

Bobby

You know, it didn't seem like you had a chance to eat all night, so I-

I just broke up with Chane.

Bobby

[excitedly] You did?! [calming down] I- I'm sorry. Would mango sticky rice make you feel any better?

I know good food can solve any problem, but right now, I could really just use a hug.

Bobby

Well, I brought that too. [they hug]

Bobby

[busy cooking while on the phone] Oh, I'm so sorry mom, I totally meant to call you back and tell you that I couldn't make it today. We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week, that is apparently THIS week, and not next week!

Emilio

I got the month right.

Bobby

In short, mom, no pickleball. But next week's wide open-

Emilio

No no no no!

Bobby

Dammit! We need a better system!

Her knee will be fine, however, I can't help but notice there's some scar tissue in her groin area, like she was kicked by a twelve-year-old some time ago.

Bobby

[clears his throat] You can tell it was a twelve-year-old???

Bobby

Connie, I think I know why our dates have been terrible. We've been trying to have something we had when we were kids, and maybe we don't have it now, and-

[heavily sedated on painkillers; begins to cry] Nooooo!

Bobby

What's wrong?

Wait, are you breaking up with me while I'm in the hospital, DYING???

Bobby

No! No no, that's not what I meant. I was saying the adult versions of ourselves might not have the same connection. What if you only like the husky 12-year-old version of me that played wooden spoons on his belly?

[laughing] I loved that Bobby! But I really love this- you- Bobby now. I don't even know what I wanna do, but you, you're the bravest person I know, because you knew exactly what you wanted to do, and you are doing it!

Bobby

So, do you like the me Bobby now as a- [Connie kisses Bobby] That was amazing.

Get that cute butt in my bed! I wanna do weird stuff with you. Weird stuff to you. Ah, I feel so good. NURSE! ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS!

Bobby

How about we just talk?

Is that pudding?

Bobby

You know it!

Bobby

I was thinking, maybe after this, if you've got things covered, I could make a... special delivery.

Emilio

Get outta here. Go see your girl.

Bobby

Are you sure? Because I could stay.

Emilio

You shouldn't work so much. When I was your age, I was sneaking outta my job all the time to see my girlfriend. And then I was sneaking outta her house to see my other girlfriend. And then they both found out, so I was sneaking everywhere.