Wait a minute, wait a minute! where's the rum ham?!
[Pointing to the ham floating away] Ah.
Ahhhhh! I'm sorry, rum ham! I'm sorry.,.rum ham.
S7 E2The Gang goes to Jersey Shore
[Pointing to women sitting across from them] Like, what's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young. Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit 'cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.
Mm-hmm. Then social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is, festering away in a one-bedroom apartment, waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...
WWomen
You know I can hear you, right?
Oh sorry, we were just using you as a metaphor though. We didn't mean anything personal.
WWomen
Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.
S7 E3Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties
We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids! (singing) "Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"
Mac (annoyed): There is no quicker way for people to think that you're diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
You gotta write a song like:
I wouldn't do it with anyone younger than my daughter, no little kids, gotta be big, older than my wife, older than my wife, something like that... (Charlie looks at Mac, as if to say, "Should I? 'Cause I have an idea...")
Mac (annoyed): Don't write a song about that.
[Frank backstage with mortician]
I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]
[over speakers] I got...I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?
MMortician
Mm...no.
Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right? [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasps] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.
Turn his mic down.
I'm trying! I don't know! I don't know how!
You don't know how?
I don't know which one it is!
...fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli...
What's going on, you idiot?
[Indistinct talking]
...make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?
Oh, God.
[Frank rushes back to the stage]
[chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]
S7 E4Sweet Dee Gets Audited
IEIRS Employee
Well, if you had opened up the letters, you would understand that you're being audited.
Audited? Why? What are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.
IEIRS Employee
Your license plate says "$CAMMIN".
Uh, no.
IEIRS Employee
What do you mean no?
Yes.
Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.
We'll keep emotion out of it.
Reason will prevail.
Reason will prevail!
[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!
I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.
What the hell! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!
Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it--
Charlie's got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes!
Yeah, don’t tell me-
I AM GONNA PUT MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!
No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay--hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let's--let's be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.
A vote?
A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?
...Yes.
So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy...has failed.
But I am gonna need a business card, 'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people so they know that I am in a place of power.
It's not important.
It's important to me, Frank! And I know that what's important to you is money and power, but I don't want real power. Because with real power comes real responsibility, and I don't want any of that shit. I just want the money, and the illusion of power. And puss.
What?
Hell, I don't know, Frank. I don't know, man.
What? Tell me, tell me.
I need something. I mean, I got this, uh...this giant, gaping hole inside me. Oh, and I'm--I'm always trying to fill it with something. I like to call it my, uh, my God hole. And I think a lot of people in this world, they--they fill it with religion. But I don't believe in God.
But you want to fill it with pussy.
Yeah.
Wolf Cola, everyone. It's the right cola...for closure.
See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.
[Cut to a funeral for Dee's fake dead baby with bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace"]
This is dark.
Darkest thing we've ever done.
S7 E5Frank's Brother
You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress. They'd tear you apart.
A Negress?
What? Whatever the proper word was.
Well, it's not that.
The point is, we opened the club, and we named it after our star attraction.
GOGuy on the street
Shady-nasty's?
Sha-dynasty's, asshole.
S7 E6The Storm of the Century
We're gonna call it a hurricane party. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.
W1Women #1
What's a hurricane party?
A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.
W2Women #2
Oh, I've heard of that bar.
Yeah?
[Charlie appears next to Dennis wearing fishing gear and pushing a cart]
Hey! [laughs] Hello! All right, all right! Hi! Crazy, crazy weather coming our way!
DTDennis & The Two Women
Yeah.
You trying to get these girls down to the bunker or...?
Oh, no, I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar we own.
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. Yeah, well...it's like so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to. We'll be like totally safe down there. I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs? Sardines, too...
[nervous laughter] Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food and normal stuff there, too. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and you can bring your girlfriends too, you know? [laughing] We don't want just the two of you. You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.
W1Women #1
Sounds like fun. Can our boyfriends come too?
Oh. Your boyfriends?
W2Women #2
Yeah, our boyfriends.
You two have boyfriends? How did you not know...that the reason I invited you back to my bar...was to bang you? Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get--get out of here! Shoo away from me!
W1Women #1
You're a dick.
You're a dick! [turns to Charlie] She's a...I'm not a dick.
You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?
Yeah. They're gonna be like, "Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming."
S7 E7Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games
[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?
I don't think I wrote that.
You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?
I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.
Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.
Pass.
No!
DDDennis & Dee
Pass, pass?
MFMac & Frank
No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.
Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.
Pass.
Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.
[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!
That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.