Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Bill Cosby.
The cards are a little outdated.
S11 E1Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo
[about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?
Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.
Why does it have a big vein running through it?
Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.
S11 E2Frank Falls Out the Window
I want to talk to you about our future. Can we get into it?
Yes. Yes!
Alright. Here, sit down for a second.
Okay?
'Cuz, in order to do that, I think we're gonna have to get real.
Yeah, go ahead.
And I want to get very real with you right now, and I do that because I feel like I'm always coddling you.
...Interesting.
But that's neither here nor there; I just want to get real with you for a second, okay? So, the acting thing.
Mhm?
It's done... but it's been done for a long time. I mean, you were too old in 2006, you're way too old now, and you're... bad at it.
...Thank you... for your honesty.
Yeah, is- are you cool?
Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that. That must've been hard for you to say.
It was.
Can I be honest with you?
I need you to.
Right? Okay, so, the veterinarian thing. I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.
What?
You want to keep the skins, don't you.
T-there's no denying that the skins are... fascinating. It's the most fascinating part of the animal- the skin of any animal is the most fascinating part, but that's not why I wanted to become-
Also, you're going bald.
I'm going bald?! What are you talking about-
In the interest of "being real".
Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?!
In the back of your head-
There's no evidence of that!
There's quite a bit of evidence-
No, nah, there's absolutely not- no.
I'll get two mirrors, I'll show it to you-
Don't get mirrors, because, there's- you're not gonna find anything!
I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis.
There's no fat there- what the hell are you talking about?!
I'm just trying to let you know!
And by the way, there's no reason why a bald man who enjoys skins - who has a little bit of extra somethin' somethin around his belly - can't be a goddamn veterinarian!
Okay, you know what?! I CAN ACT!
YOU ARE A WRINKLED BITCH!
Let me tell you something, my characters are great-
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to do this with you, okay? Do you see what's happening?
We just jumped right back in. We just leaped right back in. Same old place.
S11 E3The Gang Hits the Slopes
Hold onto these guys for balance. [hands Charlie two beer bottles]
These are glass?
Then don’t break ‘em, bitch!
Rip City!
S11 E4Dee Made a Smut Film
But first allow me to destroy your gallery. Bullshit. Bullshit. Derivative. That I love. I absolutely love.
GOGallery Owner
Um, that's just the air conditioner.
I want it. It's everything. I mean, look at us. We're just air conditioners. I mean, after all, we're just walking around on the planet, breathing, conditioning the air. I condition it hot, that conditions it cold. I mean, it's symbiotic, no?
GOGallery Owner
No, it is.
I mean, we're just the air conditioners walking around on this planet, screwing each other's brains out.
S11 E6Being Frank
[Phone buzzes] Oh, what's that? Pondy. Aha! "Let's party." Ha! Sorry, Pondy. Can't. [Phone buzzes] Old tits. He's saying I'm old. Goddamn it, Pondy's the coolest. L... O... M? Yeah, "M." Stupid phone! L... O... L. [horn honking] [horn honking, tires squealing, loud thudding] Ah, shit! Probably Asians.
S11 E7McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century
[In an effort to prove his case, Charlie calls the McPoyle patriarch, Pappy McPoyle, to the stand]
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family. Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy. And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?
PMPappy McPoyle
[inexplicably sobbing hysterically to start off] I HAVE SEEN... RACOONS AND OYSTERS... DANCING ON THE HEAD OF A PIN WITH THE ANGELS! THEY ARE LAUGHING!
S11 E8Charlie Catches a Leprechaun
If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.
Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.
Nah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.
Right.
Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.
No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.
No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.