It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · Season 8
[wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
That's classified!
Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Yes... [points to Mac and Dennis]
You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Oh, good.
Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Is he... listen to us? I can't tell-
He- He's listening. He's not understanding.
Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
We're talking about you!
Ah...
Okay, let's move on from thi-
What do you think is happening right now?!
...It's good.
(all the wedding guests are acting like zombies after drinking milk laced with bath salts)
Okay, it's time to get out of here. I mean, look at that guy!
ALL THE MCPOYLES SPRUNG FROM MY LOINS! FULLY FORMED! ONE OF THEM BABIES... TRIED TO EAT ME! I ATE HIM FIRST! (sobs) I ate him first!
[obviously weirded out by the elder McPoyle's actions] Okay, I'm with Charlie. I'm leaving.
Wait. You guys are just gonna leave? You're just gonna go?
Yeah. We're out.
You seem very on edge.
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge! I hosted the shit out of that party, and that's just not "setting the table", okay? I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe! (sadly) Y'know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't even understand me, and we're not even that good of friends. (pause) AAAAH BULLSHIT, THAT'S BULLSHIT! We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world! Goddamn them for making me think otherwise! (maniacally laughs)
Are you okay?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.
Mac, let me ask you a question.
Yeah?
Do you often feel... strong emotion, felt in quick succession?
Oh yeah, and not just my emotions. I have had a slight... fluctuation with my weight recently.
I see. And how much weight are we talking about?
I gained and lost sixty pounds in three months.
...Wow, that's almost impossible.
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so jot that down. And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there: I had to buy all-new clothes, and people used to cross the street when I would walk by. They'd be like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us, y'know, barreling towards us."
[Dennis is giving a speech to the pub.]
I learned something very important today and it just dawned on me -- I wanna talk about faith.
Right on.
It's not about whether something is true. Or-or-or based in fact or-or reality or the laws of physics or nature or- or even basic common sense. It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters. Aw, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no god? Who am I? Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better? Maybe it does. Or that this man -- Doctor Jinx... Who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery? I don't know. I say maybe he can. And I believe that maybe he can. Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... If we just believe... Then we can do anything!
[The audience applauds.]
Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I feel it now! Do you feel it? Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter! Doctor Jinx feels it, yeah!
I feel good!
We feel magnificent, yeah! And we can cure cancer with plants!
Guys, why are you dressed like that?
Some scumbag company's trying to take over the business that I founded, and I'm not gonna stand for that.
No, we're not gonna stand for that. Frank's taking me under his wing, he's gonna teach me how to swim with the sharks.
Charlie can't read.
...He'll adapt!
H-He'll adapt to reading?
Oh, hey, you must be Mr. LeFeve?
Uh, yeah, that's me.
Surprise. I'm all yours. I was told there'd just be one, but I can take both of you. Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.
Okay, well, I'm out of here.
Okay. Wait. What? Hey, hey, where you going?
LeFeve's into banging little Asian boys, so we're done, right?
If we're gonna do this thing, we need to see things through.
Dennis, are you gonna have sex with a tiny Asian boy?
I'm gonna see how far I can go.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. If Brian LeFeve is dead... then who the hell are these people?
Just a couple of people who totally got off, bro.
What? You did? Are you serious? Just... during this?
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation. Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFeve? Whoo, that got me big time. Oh, man, did I get off. Yeah, and then he showed the finger. That was the big one.
A dead finger got you off?
That was the climax, really.
I am so confused.
Oh, my God, it was amazing. It was mostly sexual.
[trying to do a British accent... and failing miserably] STORP, CHORLEH! Dis gayme has gawn on lawng enouf. [he finally realized how bad it sounds and snaps out of it] Shit.
...Are you doing an accent?
Yeah, it was a British accent.
That was British?!
[Witness for the Persecution: Frank Reynolds]
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.
"Donkey-brained"?
It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.
Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?
Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.
I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?
That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.
I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?
Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]
What?
What is that?
That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?
Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.
Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?
Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?
...What?
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?
Why would I have a certificate-
You don't have a certificate?
No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.
The defendant will answer the question!
The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!
Just answer the question.
...No.
No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]
You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!
You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.
No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!
I just- I wish you had a certificate.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
