Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Dennis

Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!

Dennis

He's getting a weapon everybody. Everybody get a weapon!

Dennis

[to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

Dennis

Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Dennis

So... if you like the Virgin Mary, and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub! We got 'em both.

Dennis

I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.

Dennis

I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.

Dennis

I think you might be dyslexic bro.

Dennis

Okay you want me to read the script?

Dennis

I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!

Dennis

Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?

Dennis

(thoughfully): I don't think that guy's retarded...

Dennis

Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Dennis

My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard.

Dennis

Dude, do you have a boner right now?!

Dennis

Maybe we should take a page out of ol' D &B's book.

Dennis

By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god damn place.

Dennis

What kind of a person salts another human being? There's no joy in salting someone.