Artemis quotes from It&#039;s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.

Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.

Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.

Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.

You're tripping?

Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.

Oh, Jesus.

Liam

Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?

Ryan

Yeah, we're going to be famous.

Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.

Yeah, just go over there.

Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.

Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.

Frank, What the hell are you doing?

Artemis

He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.

Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?

What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)

I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!

Artemis

I think he took a dump in there.

Can you give us a second, please?

Artemis

Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.

All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?

(Frank whips his gun out)

S3 E2 The Gang Gets Invincible

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[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]

Artemis

Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!

No, I didn't.

Artemis

...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!

S4 E7 Who Pooped the Bed?

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You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.

Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?

Artemis

[writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.

S4 E13 The Nightman Cometh

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(After everything at the waitress's bachelorette party goes awful)"

This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?

Artemis

You know it.

(angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!

Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.

Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!

S5 E5 The Waitress is Getting Married

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We're trying to piece a night together and we need your help.

Artemis

I don't remember that night.

I didn't tell you which night yet.

Artemis

I don't remember most evenings.

S6 E7 Who Got Dee Pregnant?

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[Frank backstage with mortician]

I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]

[over speakers] I got...I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?

MMortician

Mm...no.

Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right? [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasps] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.

Turn his mic down.

Artemis

I'm trying! I don't know! I don't know how!

You don't know how?

Artemis

I don't know which one it is!

...fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli...

What's going on, you idiot?

[Indistinct talking]

...make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?

Oh, God.

[Frank rushes back to the stage]