I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.
S1 E1The Gang Gets Racist
[to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
[gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!
Domino, biatch!
How could you not tell me you were gay?
I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.
BSBlack Student
Bout to bust that shit up Reece, Bout to bust that shit up Boy!
Absolutely.
[Students stare at Mac]
GMGay Man
Hello, lover.
Whoa! What the hell? What is going on here?
GMGay Man
Relax, stud. You got nothing to be ashamed about.
What the fuck...what does that mean? Did we have--No.
GMGay Man
No, don't be silly. It was all hands.
GMGay Man 2
How's that ass feelin'? [Slaps Dennis's ass]
Dennis (to Terrell): Oh, hey, man, we're closed.
Yeah, I know.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't want any trouble.
What?
Guys, this is Terrell... From my acting class.
You know, when I'm promoting, you better believe everybody and their mama gonna be there. You know what I mean? There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever. You know, we got niggas hanging from the rafters. So, we got like 400 plus packed into this tiny little place-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said you had 400 people packed into this place?
You damn right I got 400 - that's my job, man. And it's mostly college kids. You know, my sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.
Ah, and hookups are good. But just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?
Dude.
Oh, Jesus.
I mean my sister.
Oh, ok, cool. I was just - because - he could mean his friend or his sister and I was just -
Stop talking.
So we're packing into this little bitty place over on Walnut, right? We're halfway through the night, everything's going alright. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballing me from across the bar.
Shit.
And I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me, you know what I'm saying?
He's giving you crazy eyes.
The insane, crazy eyes, right?
I know that.
So I walk over to this guy. He's this big, cut, Mexican dude and I look at him and say, "Yo, ese, unless you want to get your ass torn apart, you'd better get this look off of your face."
No...
You walked right up to him and said that?
I had to, man. You gotta make the first move. Always make the first move, you know what I'm saying?
I know.
That's so badass.
So what happened?
Well, hey, he won't stop staring me down and we're, like, eyeball to eyeball, his grill is right up in mine. It feels like an eternity, son, right? Finally, he just opens up his mouth and says (Mexican accent) "I guess you're gon' have to tear my ass apart, holmes."
Oh, man. So, what did you do?
Took him to the back alley and tore his ass apart.
Guys, listen, honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.
For what?
You heard him! When he's promoting, everybody and they mama looking to get in.
That's true, they do have "niggers hanging from the rafters."
Waitress: Wow. Nice.
S1 E2Charlie Wants an Abortion
[on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
[to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.
[at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Pff...sucks for me.
Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
I don't really have any convictions.
[Tommy spits in Charlie's face]
Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!
TTommy
I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black person's hospital.
Wow, extremely racist!
S1 E3Underage Drinking: A National Concern
We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
I guess.
Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
That is true.
That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Hello, Stephen.
You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
No, no, I had bad potato salad.
You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
No, I don't like where this is headed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.