Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.
S3 E1The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby
After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.
She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.
TETanning Employee
You want to put your baby into the tanning bed?
We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes or so.
Just to get nice base roasting, golden brown or real tan
[exaggerated] Just to get a base.
INIn a note Charlie left
Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.
What the hell is that?
It's a baby we found in the trash.
[pauses] Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.
Well, if it isn't the girl who broke my heart by *falling* in love with my best friend and havin' *sex* with this guy! [motions to Frank]
WWaitress
Gross.
S3 E2The Gang Gets Invincible
This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.
Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?
Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.
I'm startin' to feel it.
I bet you are, bud.
I'm feelin' weird.
Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.
The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.
That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.
I gotta go.
Then go.
The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.
Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.
I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.
Oh my God.
I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?
Annoyed.
Nothin' kickin' in yet?
What are you talking about, the beer?
No, the acid.
I did not take any acid, remember?
[laughing] Oh yeah you did.
What are you talking about?
I put a shitload of it in your beer.
What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!
Yeah.
I drank all that shit, dude!
That's OK.
There was like a ton of acid in there!
Yeah!
Why would you do that?!
I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.
Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...
Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.
Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!
[walks away]
Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you d..!? Oh shit! Oh shit!
Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.
Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.
Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.
Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.
You're tripping?
Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?
Yeah, we're going to be famous.
Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.
Yeah, just go over there.
Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.
Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.
Frank, What the hell are you doing?
He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?
What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)
I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!
I think he took a dump in there.
Can you give us a second, please?
Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?
(Frank whips his gun out)
Great. Walk me through the plan again.
Awesome.
The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
That's a great plan.
CCharlie (as Green Man)
Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?
Like, two seconds.
Seriously?
Frank, give me the gun.
Where is it?
It's in your hand!
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?
I don't know!
That lizard talks!
Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!
(Frank cocks the gun and points it at Mac and Dennis)
MDMac and Dennis
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Lizard, am I standing in poop?
S3 E3Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead
You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.
You knew that it was a dick?!
With Mac :Dennis: You knew?!
Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.
It was always meant to be a bicep.
Well why didn't you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.
I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]
LLawyer
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
No, just get to the reading part.
Get on with it, man. Let's go.
LLawyer
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Yo!
LLawyer
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
What?!
What?!
Bruce Mathis?!
LLawyer
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
LLawyer
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Why are you giving it to him?!
LLawyer
I'm not--
She barely even knew him!
LLawyer
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Where is that rat bastard?!
LLawyer
Sir, I don't know!
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
LLawyer
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
LLawyer
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
I would never let him in.
What?!
LLawyer
Deandra?
Yes.
LLawyer
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
A mistake? We're twins.
LLawyer
Yeah...
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
LLawyer
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
LLawyer
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
LLawyer
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
LLawyer
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
LLawyer
Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
LLawyer
[to himself] Jesus Christ.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.