Kirk Gleason quotes from Gilmore Girls

Kirk

'Cause I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore.

Kirk

I want to get the healthy glow of someone who goes consistently to the gym without actually having to go of course.

Sookie

Keep in mind during the Bracebridge dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers. So, anytime you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do— Kirk, you're driving me crazy!

Kirk

Who, me?

Kirk

"Whatever we can do Kirk you're driving me crazy." Yeah, me. I'm… sorry.

Kirk

I don't know if you know this about me, but I have very creative ambitions.

Lorelai

I did not know that about you, Kirk.

Kirk

It's true.

Kirk

Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.

Lorelai

I’ll give you two because you scare me.

Babette

You get dumped on, Taylor?

Taylor

It's not just me.

Luke

If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar.

Kirk

I'll check the Internet.

Kirk

My family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight.

Lorelai

Wow.

Kirk

As a kid, I thought that meant we were related to Ted Knight. I wrote him a lot of letters. He never responded.

Kirk

Say I was Tom Cruise, where would you seat me?

Luke

In an acting class.

Lorelai

Oh my God. We need to take him upstairs.

Kirk

[still face down] LuLu can't see me like this.

Lorelai

But, Kirk --

Kirk

[hysterical] LuLu can't see me like this!!

Lorelai

Okay, she won't. I promise. Can I take a look?

Kirk

[quickly responds] Okay.

Lorelai

I don't want to take a look.

Luke

Well, I'm not looking.

Lane

How are you doing, Kirk?

Kirk

Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it.

Lane

It's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it.

Kirk

But I'm loving it. And look, I've been mixing black ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy-tasting bacon.

Luke

You're going to make yourself sick.

Lorelai

Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.

Luke

Romantic nausea.

Kirk

I get that all the time.

Lorelai

Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk?

Kirk

In case you're naked.

Lorelai

You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked?

Kirk

I don't know your domestic routine.

Lorelai

Kirk, you needed Carnival game volunteers and I volunteered. What's with the hassle?

Kirk

Well, we do things like ring toss and rope ladder climbing. Your choice is unorthodox.

Lorelai

That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow!

Kirk

Do you happen to be in the market for a house? Cuz this baby's a honey.

Lorelai

Something in the corner just moved.

Kirk

Just a rat. I'd have told you about them before you bought the place. The law also requires me to inform you the house has toxic mold, asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors, a crumbling foundation,a collapsed fireplace, ceiling damage, water damage, and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention, and a particularly grisly murder-suicide. Nothing we can't work with.

Luke

You're gonna sue me, after you crash a car into my diner and bust a giant hole in my wall?!

Kirk

For all you know, I could have brain damage.

Luke

Oh, I'm pretty sure you do.