LukeUh, you and I have got to have a little talk.
Hey, if you’re gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me, I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell ‘em I’m gonna be late.
Luke
Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you’re at an age where the whole girl thing is... you know, on your mind a lot, and it’s probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane –
Luke
What?
I don’t even know her last name.
Luke
You’re kidding.
She mentioned it once. Didn’t stick.
Luke
Well, if you don’t care about her, what are you doing with her?
Just hanging with her, no biggie.
Luke
Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.
Relax, will ya? All is good.
Luke
Jess, this isn’t right. You can’t treat a girl like this, like dirt!
If it’s any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It’s a pretty symbiotic relationship.
Luke
And that’s fine with you?
Luke
To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.
Luke
Oh, that makes you happy?
I’d do backflips, but I am way too cool.
Luke
That makes absolutely no sense.
It doesn’t have to make sense to you.
Luke
There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.
Don’t you have to get back to the diner?
Luke
I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.
Luke
Yeah, it’s that easy if you try.
Hey, the girls that I like don’t give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I’m not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
Luke
What’s that supposed to mean?
You fixed any neighbor’s porches lately? Or you go on a picnic? Or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
Luke
Shut up.
At least I’ve got a little self-esteem.
Luke
Shut up.
I’m not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she’ll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn’t wanna be with me, then fine.
Luke
You have no idea what you’re talking about.
Whatever. I gotta go, Shane’s waiting.
Luke
Oh, you mean What’s-Her-Name?
Yeah, I’ll bring you a new leash when I get back.
Luke
Get outta here!
Oh, now that kid’s a major drooler.
Yeah, it’s like a fountain.
Luke
Okay, that’s it, they have to go.
Luke, come on, it’s just spit. Pretend you’re at a baseball game.
Luke
No no no, I’ve had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al’s, I’m through. [He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory] Is that woman doing what I think she’s doing? [the woman has started nursing her baby]
Um, well, I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that’s lunch.
Luke
Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here.
Luke
This cannot be sanitary.
I agree. You don’t know where that thing’s been.
Luke
When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. This is a diner not a peep show!
Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . .
Luke
I have to do something. I just can’t stand here and let the lactating continue.
Luke
I’m gross? I’m not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That’s it.
[Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter] You go make her stop.
I’m not going over there.
Luke
Why not? You’re a woman.
Luke
So you have the same parts.
Luke
You shouldn’t be scared of it.
Scared of it? You know, you’re gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
Luke
I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this!
[Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing]
[Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs. Lorelai and Rory start laughing.]
Luke
Okay, well, that was kind of funny.
[Luke questions Gypsy about Jess's new car.]
Luke
He paid you for it, right?
GGypsy
Nothing's free at Gypsy's.
Luke
And he paid cash?
Luke
Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Neuman or someone?
GGypsy
Looked real to me.
Luke
Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
GGypsy
No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
Luke
Really?
Luke
Good.
What do you think is gonna happen?
Luke
You know what I think is gonna happen.
No, I don’t. Tell me. Tell me what I’m gonna do to her.
Luke
You’re not gonna do anything to her because when you’re at her place, there’s Lorelai, and when you’re here, there’s me, and when you’re out there, there’s Taylor.
Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
Luke
Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I’ll get worried. Until then, do your homework.
Luke
Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
Luke
Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
Luke
Yup.
You know, they're together now.
Luke
What?
Oh yeah. "I have to get a part for my car", "I'm going to go study" — that's kid code for "Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle".
Luke
You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that… damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.
Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
Luke
I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Well, then I'm stuck here.
Luke
Fine, because I need my truck back.
Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
Luke
I'm not taking the mattress.
Then let me take the truck.
Luke
But that means you take the mattress.
I can't take the mattress.
Luke
Then you can't have the truck.
But that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke
If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
I can't take the mattress.
Luke
Then you can't have the truck.
And that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke
We've been here before.
RRussell
I'm Russell Bynes. I'm with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Pettruccio, Stein, Lemming, and Stein, attorneys for Nicole Diana Leahy.
Luke
And the sun just went down, thanks for coming.
Luke
You're wasting your time. I had a simple question, where do I sign? It didn't require a personal visit.
RRussell
Whoa, whoa, there's no place to sign because this is just a document informing the defendant of the type of action being filed.
Luke
What are you talking about? Who's the defendant?
Luke
Oh my God.
RRussell
Didn't you read the papers?
Luke
Yeah, the Red Sox lost by three, Bush is at the ranch chatting up a Swiss dude.
RRussell
The divorce papers.
Luke
I know what you meant. Look, I didn't kill anyone. Nicole and I just kind of accidentally got married and now we want out. We both want the same thing.
RRussell
Don't try to play me, Mr. Danes.
Luke
I'm too busy for this.
RRussell
Fine, because I should just be dealing with your legal representation.
Luke
I don't believe this.
RRussell
Not giving us your lawyer's information is only going to prolong the process.
Luke
Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Luke
Okay, you ready?
Luke
His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey. . .
Luke
Cheatham...
Luke
And Howe.
RRussell
Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
Luke
Yeah, well, tickled me.
RRussell
My bosses are gonna wanna hear this.
Luke
Oh, come on, they've heard that one before. Oh, hey, if you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.
S1Mr. Stein 1
Mr. Danes, a marriage contract is a contract just like any other.
S2Mr. Stein 2
As the higher wage earner, Nicole wants a fair settlement.
Luke
But I want nothing from her, so there's nothing to settle, Mr. . . what's your name again?
S1Mr. Stein 1
My name is Stein.
Luke
I thought you were Stein.
Luke
Well, then I'm confused.
BMr. Blodgett
Mr. Danes, I'm an impatient man, I'm a busy man, I'm a sensible man, I'm a skeptical man.
Luke
Oh, you're four different men, huh? Well, are they all named Stein, too?
BMr. Blodgett
If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that no one wants nothing.
S2Mr. Stein 2
Why won't you hire a lawyer?
Luke
Why? Because lawyers waste time and money. They're needless middlemen who slither into people's lives when they're at their most vulnerable so they can clamp on and suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught and penniless.
S1Mr. Stein 1
Well, I can see why the marriage went bad.
BMr. Blodgett
Here's fair warning, Mr. Danes - if you don't hire a lawyer, you could wind up getting absolutely nothing.
Luke
That's what I want!
Luke
What's that?
Okay, um. . .A, um, no talking during the movie, and B, don't tell me you've never seen the FBI warning before.
Luke
It's new to me.
Oh, my God. You're beyond monk. You're uber-monk.
Luke
Just start it up. I won't talk again.
Okay, just one more warning - when they showed the first motion picture over a hundred years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, and, um, people were so sure the train was going to burst off the screen and crush them that they ran away in terror. Now, Luke, the train is not going to leave the screen.
Gilmore Girls · 747 quotes
