Luke Danes quotes from Gilmore Girls

Luke

Ow!

Lorelai

Luke, are you okay?

Luke

Stupid box! Stupid lamp!

Lorelai

Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

Jess

Forget it!

Luke

Why? What was wrong with it?

Jess

It was pink!

Luke

We can paint it.

Jess

You mean I can paint it.

Luke

We can paint it together.

Jess

Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

Luke

Fine. Which one did you like?

Jess

The one before.

Luke

The one with the two fridges?

Jess

No.

Luke

Well, the one before was the one with two fridges.

Jess

No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat!

Luke

I hate cats!

Jess

Well, I don't think the cat came with the place.

Luke

Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat.

Jess

(shrugs) Clean the carpet.

Luke

Paint the pink.

Jess

Fine. The one next to the bank.

Luke

Nah, too many windows.

Jess

What?

Luke

Six windows, all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon, we're sittin' in an oven.

Jess

So we get curtains.

Luke

Well, you'd have to help me put them up.

Jess

Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

Luke

Stop saying that!

Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared.

Luke

Oh, come on, you don't think Jess seriously... I'll check when I get home.

Luke

Shouldn't we give thanks first?

Jess

Thanks for what?

Luke

Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

Lorelai

Amen.

Lorelai

Hey, got any good stories?

Luke

Nope, sorry.

Lorelai

Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?

Luke

Jeff Smith?

Lorelai

Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?

Luke

It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?

Luke

So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?

Lorelai

That’s right.

Luke

And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?

Lorelai

Yes.

Luke

And you sanctioned this?

Rory

Yes.

Luke

Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.

Lorelai

The Fishing Channel.

Luke

I fish.

Luke

Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.

Lorelai

Are you going?

Luke

Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.

Lorelai

Good boy.

Taylor

I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.

Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even 2 hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.

Taylor

It may seem extreme, but those candy people are shifty characters.

Why don't we leave the wording as it is for now and see how things go. We can get tougher later if necessary.

Luke

Yeah you could send over a couple of oompa-loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.

Lorelai

Hey, Luke.

Luke

I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.

Lorelai

Sure, yeah.

Rory

Ten minutes is great.

Luke

And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.

Lorelai

And then hopefully got your hearing checked.

Luke

Can I finish my story?

Lorelai

I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.

Luke

And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with "Tess". So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the hummel.

Lorelai

The what?

Luke

Exactly.

Taylor

Moving on. Now people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.

Not this again.

Miss Patty

He's always going on about the deer.

Luke

Leave 'em alone, Taylor.

Taylor

But they're taking over the town. We need to institute partial elimination.

Partial elimination?

You wanna kill the little romping Bambis?

Taylor

People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?

Luke

No, but you will.

Taylor

Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.

Luke

We have flying deer?

Miss Patty

Oh, that's scary.

Babette

Yeah. Those ones you can snuff.

Rory

Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore...

Sookie

[With tears in her eyes] Uh, oh -

Lorelai

[Also on the verge of crying] Hang in there.

Rory

My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her...

Sookie

[Choked up] Not crying.

Lorelai

[Slightly crying] Crying a little.

Sookie

Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.

Rory

[Tearfully] Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything.

Sookie

On the verge of blubbering here.

[Choked up, tearfully] Not doing too well myself.

Lorelai

[Looks over to see Luke] Not you, too.

Luke

[Tearfully blubbering] I'm blubbering, you freaks!

Luke

You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?

Taylor

It’s the only one that’s appropriate.

Luke

Taylor, no. No, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, I’m gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How’s Ted?", followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"

Luke

What’s that, a toy?

Miss Patty

Oh, it’s awfully cute.

Taylor

That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.

Rory

Wow, there’s little people and everything.

Sookie

They look so real.

Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!

Lorelai

Look at the horse drawn carriage.

Taylor

My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.

Babette

The horse is taller than the front door.

Lorelai

Way taller.

Luke

What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?

Taylor

It’s slightly out of proportion.

Babette

Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.

Lorelai

Oh my God.

Luke

What?

Lorelai

Jimmy Buffett?

Luke

Put that back.

Lorelai

You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.

Luke

I've just been to a few shows, that's all.

Lorelai

A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.

Luke

Is that the one you want me to wear or not?

Lorelai

Sing Margaritaville.

Luke

No.

Jess

That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.

Luke

Stay outta this.

Luke

Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you?

Lorelai

Aren't you!

Luke

What?

Lorelai

Who?

Luke

Stop it!

Lorelai

Bye!