Hermes Conrad quotes from Futurama

Leela

I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again, you screwed up! Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas.

Hermes

I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.

Prof. Farnsworth

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.

Leela

Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?

Hermes

The shares were worthless, and he kept asking for toilet paper!

Hermes

We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral!

Switzerland is small and neutral! We're more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!

Amy

Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?

Hermes

It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.

Fry

What does it taste like?

Hermes

Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

Hermes

I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.

Bender

500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.

Prof. Farnsworth

Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Leela

I'm getting a one-day pass for my parents from city hall.

Hermes

While you're there, can you get me a license to kill?

Leela

Sure. Fire arms of bare hands?

Hermes

Which one does piano wire fall under?

Prof. Farnsworth

Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.

Hermes

That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.

Hermes

Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.

Cubert

What was it?

Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.

So, should we turn it off now?

Well, uh, that depends what's on.

Fry

Nothing good.

Ah, let's just keep watching.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth

These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.

Fry

Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?

Hermes

Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bender

It's not small?

Hermes

No, no, no.

Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up?

Hermes Conrad

It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition: we burn his timecard. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final pay check.

Hermes

Soothe us with sweet lies.

It may comfort you to know that Fry's death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels.

Prof. Farnsworth-

HERMES! Don't press that button!

Hermes

....okay.

Fry

There but for the flip of a coin go we. So, um, Leela? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together?

Leela

Well, I guess you deserve one more flip.

Fry

So, heads or tails?

Leela

Y'know, let's just say it's heads.

Farnsworth

Ready?

Farnsworth

and One, two, three, pull!

Farnsworth

There. That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice versa.

Leela

So, what you think you just explained to us is that--

Farnsworth

Correct! This box contains our own universe.

Hermes

Sweet honey bee of infinity!

Leela

Bender! Quit destroying the universe!

Bender

But...

Farnsworth

Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box. And the box itself is probably worth something too. We must cherish it, as we cherish every moment of our lives.

Hermes

Dwight, the boots only cost me 299 dollars and 99 cents. Here, you spend the penny on whatever you want.

Thanks, dad. I think I'll invest it on five shares of Amazon.com.

Hermes

A risk taker. That's my boy.

Hermes

Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!

Prof. Farnsworth

Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel.

Dr. Zoidberg

[Chuckles] How humorous.

Prof. Farnsworth

Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now.