A character in Futurama
Played by Phil LaMarr
Futurama · 1,210 quotes
6th most-quoted character in Futurama: in 106 of its 1,210 quotes
Most scenes with: Professor Hubert Farnsworth (33), Bender (32), Philip J. Fry (28)
Why did I do partying, I hate partying! [continues partying] WOO! More Partying!
Quiet, Bender.
Cut it out.
Hermes ConradShush!
[mumbles gibberish]
[Bender breaths fire over the real Leela’s funeral, suddenly, Leela opens her eyes]
Bender, Shut the Hell Up!
Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?
That makes the most sense of all.
[Farnsworth puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere.]
Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came X3, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter.
[A planet labelled "#!@€$!#%&" comes on screen.]
And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.
You mean...
[Fry whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so. Farnsworth slaps Fry.]
Hermes[to Farnsworth] So you're saying this thing is censoring indecent planets?
Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.
[Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?
HermesWhen the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults.
Or one!
We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
HermesYa mon! Ya got to legalize it!
We're talking about robosexual marriage.
HermesWe're talking about lots of stuff.
My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
HermesDidn't we used to be a delivery company?
To the ship!
[Exits phone booth.] Well, things are startin' to look up.
HermesLook up! [Missile explodes.] Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb?
HermesLeela! What in the name of Jah happened?
Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants!
HermesAnd here's something. [Finds a fossilized dog] Uh-oh, it's another one of Fry's dogs.
Did you find something, Hermes?
HermesNo.
Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.
HermesIt's pizza time. [passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]
Ugh, pineapple?
[Everyone makes disgusted noises]
HermesSo much for that.
So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body.
HermesYou aren't, are you?
Of course not, but I was willing to lie about it! What more can a man do?
HermesA man can give her a toke of her own medicine.
Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.
Friends, friends! I have barnacles in my tuchus! [opens his trousers to reveal barnacles on his buttocks]
Hermes[to Fry] The long search is over.
I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads!
[Fry gets out a holophonor; the Professor, a fiddle; and Dr. Zoidberg, an accordion, and start playing klezmer music.]
Bender': [singing] Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish,
But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish.
So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup,
Which will give me time to quickly make them up.
HermesDo you spin a dreidel made from clay?
Bender': Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay.
Do you eat these yummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins?
Bender': Better!
We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins!
Shalom, Ruth and Esther!
Why with the music so loud?
Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here?
Bender': But by far the most important thing is oil.
To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil?
Bender': No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel
Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle.
The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special
Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle.
[Hermes and LaBarbara provide backup on kalimba and drum respectively.]
The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa!
So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!
Kujichagulia...
And umoja...
HermesAnd the rest.
Now we get it!
Sit back down! There's gonna be a test.
My favorite's ujamaa.
Cooperative economics.
[to Dwight] Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics!
Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.
Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities. [starts coming on to Zoidberg]
I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili,
Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?
That's from Xmas and Robanukah, you plagiarizing lout!
Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out.
But before I go, the most important thing...
What's that, Black Santa?
You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night.
But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.
[writing on notepads] They must be made of beeswax or we might as well be white.
HermesGive us back our genitals!
Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them.
Being human's not about being happy, it's about loving and fighting and that Rasta McNasty we were doing last night, ha ha. We want that back!
HermesMmm, you're cooking me back fat bacon.
That's not back fat bacon! That's your back fat bakin'!
HermesI've found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is... $11,000,000.
Aaand boned.
Philip J. FryBilly West · 404 quotes
BenderJohn DiMaggio · 356 quotes
Turanga LeelaKatey Sagal · 297 quotes
Professor Hubert FarnsworthBilly West · 249 quotes
ZoidbergBilly West · 110 quotes
Amy WongLauren Tom · 91 quotes
Zapp BranniganBilly West · 76 quotes
Kif KrokerMaurice LaMarche · 30 quotes
LrrrMaurice LaMarche · 18 quotes
MorboMaurice LaMarche · 18 quotes
Cubert FarnsworthKath Soucie · 15 quotes
NibblerFrank Welker · 15 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Futurama pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
