Kif Kroker quotes from Futurama

Zapp Brannigan

Kif.

Kif Kroker

Yes… ugh. Yes, Captain.

Zapp Brannigan

I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Zapp Brannigan

Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.

Kif

Who are you talking to, sir?

Zapp Brannigan

You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

Zapp Brannigan

Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif

The boy, Sir?

Zapp Brannigan

You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Kif

Sir, can I speak with you?

Zapp Brannigan

No!

Kif

But, sir, it's an emergency.

Zapp Brannigan

Come back when it's a catastrophe.

Zapp Brannigan

[stands up] Oh, very well.

Zapp Brannigan

Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".

Kif

I'll get the powder, sir.

Kif

Sir, remember your course correction?

Zapp Brannigan

No.

Kif

Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.

Zapp Brannigan

Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.

Kif

That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.

Zapp Brannigan

No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.

Kif

This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.

Zapp Brannigan

That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]

Kif

But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.

Zapp Brannigan

Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.

Zapp Brannigan

[having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!

Kif Kroker

It appears to be the mother ship.

Zapp Brannigan

Then what did we just blow up?

Kif Kroker

The Hubble Telescope.

Zapp Brannigan

Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.

Kif Kroker

Um...not me, sir.

Zapp Brannigan

Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.

Zapp Brannigan

My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.

Kif Kroker

What?

Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.

Zapp Brannigan

Throw her in the brig.

Fry

We don't have a brig.

Zapp Brannigan

Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".

Kif

What shall I do with your civilian clothes?

Zapp Brannigan

Take them to the laundry/brig!

Leela

You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp Brannigan

If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?

Kif

Ugh... sexlexia.

Zapp Brannigan

I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

Kif Kroker

Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan

Wrong. Being your assistant.

Leela

What planet is this, anyway?

Zapp Brannigan

[shrugs] This whole sector is uncharted.

Kif

It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.