Hermes Conrad quotes from Futurama

Oh, come on, I'm not gonna say it. Please? Oh, is it "please"?

Nope.

Hmm...words I never say...oh, I know: "Thanks"!

Bender, stop trying to destroy the world!

Is it "sorry"? No. "Funder-ful". Umm... "non-alcoholic"? "Compassion"? "Shrimp toast"? "Antiquing?" [lightning flashes, cuts to end credits] I'm alright!

S2 War Is the H-Word

View quote →

Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.

Hermes

Of course! It was so obvious!

Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.

S2 The Honking

View quote →

If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm colony!

Hermes

But what about the worms in the other part of his body?

Listen, this is gonna be one Hell of a bowel movement. Afterward, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

S3 Parasites Lost

View quote →

Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them.

Hermes

I call it "Caribbean Drain-o".

S3 Parasites Lost

View quote →

I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes

No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy

We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg

[with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.

Poopenmeyer

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00"] Hey! Zero! [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them]

No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen. singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud] Swing low, sweet...

This is horrible.

But it's not boring!

[Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of the electromagnets]

Santa

Ho, ho, ho! [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble]

Poopenmeyer

My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!

Zoidberg

I help those who help themselves.

[Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands]

Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!

Santa

[laughs] I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.

Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?

Don't do it! He's evil!

Santa

I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Well ... 'tis the season!

[Santa pulls him out of his restraints and puts him in the sleigh. He climbs in and the sleigh flies off]

S3 A Tale of Two Santas

View quote →

[At the horse races]

Hermes

Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes!

Dr. Zoidberg

The hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes.

S3 The Luck of the Fryrish

View quote →

[Leela and Hermes are at a concession stand at the track]

HDHorse D'ourves Salesman

Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cakes and shakes. We got tongue, straight from the horse's mouth.

Hermes

It all sounds good.

HDHorse D'ourves Salesman

All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse "juiced-in" goodness.

I'll have the cholesterol-free omelet with horse-beaters.

HDHorse D'ourves Salesman

And you, sir? How can I horse you?

Hermes

I'll have a horse Coke.

HDHorse D'ourves Salesman

Horse Pepsi okay?

Hermes

Neeeiiiggghh.

S3 The Luck of the Fryrish

View quote →

What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.

Zoidberg

Damn right!

The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.

[Farnsworth blubbers and waves.]

Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

Hermes

Tally me banana.

Amy's a klutz from Mars.

[Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]

Amy

Sploops!

And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.

I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

That's the dumbest question I ever heard!

S3 The Cyber House Rules

View quote →

Fear not. I shall assist ye.

Hermes

Robots don't say "ye"!

Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?

Hermes

That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!

I'll show ye...

S3 Insane in the Mainframe

View quote →

Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!

The address was to "Dogdoo 8", but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7.

Hermes

[to Dwight] Child mon, is this true?

Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission.

Cubert

[points at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!

[nervously] Lies! Lies and slander! [belches foam]

FFarnsworth

Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?! That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough!

Hermes

You jerked the words right outta my mouth! We're their fathers, and it's high times we acted like it!

[eagerly] Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence!

Hermes

[clears his throat] Get a job, you lazy kids!

[Dwight and Cubert gasp]

[groans, then gets out a baseball bat] I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

View quote →

Can I use the gun?

Hermes

What kind of a father would I be if I said no?

View quote →

You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you?

Hermes

Company? [He laughs.] How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance?

FFarnsworth

Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital!

[They laugh]

Cubert

Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company.

[He pulls the sheet off to reveal a red "Awesome Express" logo. Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up]

Hermes

Welcome to the world of business.

[He and Farnsworth kick the logo and smash it down]

View quote →

Hermes

People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us.

All right!

That's great!

That's good.

Hermes

Naturally, we're humiliated.

That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express eight-hundred-percent more profitable.

Hermes

We'll start by slashing salaries. And this time, I mean REALLY slashing.

Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this... so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.

[cheerfully] We don't work for you anymore!

[Hermes gasps]

What?!

View quote →

[Dwight and Cubert have taken over Planet Express]

Hermes

YOU ROTTEN KIDS! Uh, will you be hiring?

No.

Hermes

YOU ROTTEN KIDS!

View quote →

She just needs some gas.

Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.

Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.

Like what?

Whale oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener.

Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off.

Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs.

What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.

Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that.

OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans.

Come on!

Hermes

You can do it!

Amy

Bender!

Go on, you dummy!

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Oh, no!

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,