Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?
PPramala
Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?
“A Tale of Two Santas” · Season 3
In this episode: Bender (4), Philip J. Fry (3), Turanga Leela (3), Professor Hubert Farnsworth (3), Robot Santa (3), Zoidberg (1), Hermes Conrad (1), Amy Wong (1)
I'm Santa Claus!
No, I'm Santa Claus!
We're also Santa Claus!
[with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.
Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.
You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00"] Hey! Zero! [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them]
No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen. singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud] Swing low, sweet...
This is horrible.
But it's not boring!
[Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of the electromagnets]
Ho, ho, ho! [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble]
My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!
I help those who help themselves.
[Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands]
Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!
[laughs] I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.
Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?
Don't do it! He's evil!
I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
Well ... 'tis the season!
[Santa pulls him out of his restraints and puts him in the sleigh. He climbs in and the sleigh flies off]
Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
Alright!
Yeah!
[Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]
In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?
Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3!
[Bender lands in the fireplace and the Professor shoots him with a shotgun]
Professor, don't you remember what I told you?!
No!!
[The Professor shoots Bender again]
Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.
Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.
In what has become a holiday tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.
There were no survivors.
[Chuckles] Takes all kinds.
NENeptunian elves
We are free and fairly sober
With so many toys to build
The machines are kind of tricky
Probably someone will be killed
But we gladly work for nothing
Which is good because we don't intend to pay
NENeptunian elves
The elves are back to work today
Hooray!
We have just a couple hours
To make several billion gifts
And the labor isn't easy
Then you'll all work triple shifts
You can make the job go quicker
If you turn up the controls to super speed
FLFry, Leela and Bender
It's back to work on Xmas Eve
NENeptunian elves
Hooray.
And though you're cold and sore and ugly
Your pride will mask the pain
Let my happy smile warm your hearts
NENeptunian elf
There's a toy lodged in my brain
NENeptunian elves
We are getting awfully tired
And we can't work any faster
And we're very, very sorry
Why you selfish little bastards!
Do you want the kids to think
That Santa's just a crummy empty handed jerk?!
Then shut your yaps and back to work!
NENeptunian elves
Now it's very nearly Xmas
And we've done the best we could
These toy soldiers are poorly painted
And they're made from inferior wood
I should give you all a beating
But I really have to fly
If I wasn't stuck here frozen
I'd harpoon you in the eye
NENeptunian elves
Now it's back into our tenements
To drown ourselves in rye
You did the best you could I guess
And some of these gorillas are okay
NENeptunian elves
HOORAY!
RERandom elf
We're adequate!
AAll
The elves have rescued Xmas Day
Hooray!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Futurama pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.