Hermes Conrad quotes from Futurama, page 2 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Phil LaMarr

6th most-quoted character in Futurama: in 106 of its 1,210 quotes
Most scenes with: Professor Hubert Farnsworth (33), Bender (32), Philip J. Fry (28)

Lines by Hermes Conrad 18

Hermes

Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.

S7 The Six Million Dollar Mon

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Hermes

[in disguise] Hello! I'm prime minister Nelson Okeke of Nigeria. I trust you received my spam e-mail?

S7 Viva Mars Vegas

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Hermes

Yes, yes... The company deeply cares about your insert problem here.

S8 E5 Related to Items You’ve Viewed

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Scenes with Hermes Conrad 88

Hermes

Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.

Bender

You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

S1 My Three Suns

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Hermes

Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. [points at Zoidberg] Probably you!

Zoidberg

Me?

[Later]

Hermes

And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.

Zoidberg

This is a witch hunt!

S1 Hell Is Other Robots

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[Fry and Bender recline with open beverages in the employee break room. Hermes walks in reading a stack of papers.]

Hermes

What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boatbag!

[He rolls up the papers and hits Bender with them.]

Bender

Ow! [Fry chuckles. Hermes hits Fry next.]

Fry

Oof! Hey, quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day.

Hermes

Labor Day?! That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?

Fry

That's the one.

Hermes

Hot damn, a day off!

[Hermes removes his jacket and dress shirt and sits between Fry and Bender, accepting a beer.]

S1 When Aliens Attack

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Zoidberg

You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!

Hermes

Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

Fry

Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes

A true inspiration for the children.

S2 Xmas Story

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Prof. Farnsworth

[spoken] Now let's all of us shut up and sing!

Amy

[singing] He knows when you are sleeping,

Prof. Farnsworth

[singing] He knows when you're on the can,

Leela

[singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.

Dr. Zoidberg

[singing] Oh,

Hermes

[singing] You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,

Bender

[singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.

Fry

[singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!

[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]

Prof. Farnsworth

Merry Xmas, everyone!

S2 Xmas Story

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Hermes

[With a brain-slug attached] Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet.

Zoidberg

What are we going to do there?

Hermes

Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

S2 Raging Bender

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Bender

[Getting beaten up by Destructor] Thrown in the towel Fry. [Fry stands there] For God sake, Fry!

Fry

[Turns to reveal a brain-slug on his head] Errrrrr...

Hermes

[With a brain-slug attached] That's exactly what I was thinking.

S2 Raging Bender

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Hermes

[Spoken] Requisition me a beat!

[Number 1.0 plays some music]

Hermes

[Singing]

When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,

With a foot and a half of water,

Everyone was alright but I cried all night,

It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,

And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,

Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"

I made my friends and relations file long applications,

To get into my 10th birthday party.

LaBarbara

But something changed when my man turned pro.

Hermes

I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.

LaBarbara

He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.

Hermes

It's supposed to be about the filing! People!

We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,

No, that's what almighty Jah made us,

We treat people like swine,

And make 'em stand in line,

Even if nobody paid us!

They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,

They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,

But when push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea.

Zoidberg!

Zoidberg

They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.

Farnsworth

They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.

Leela

They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]

Bender

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Hermes

Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]

AAll

Jamaica!

Hermes

Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!

BBureaucrats

Jamaica!

Hermes

The grade 19's!

Morgan Proctor

Jamaica.

[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]

Hermes

Sing me home!

When push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea!

[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]

Bender

I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

S2 How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back

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Hermes

Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived!

Leela

Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.

Hermes

Dream on, woman! I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river, and hurl the river into space, but I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies!

S2 The Deep South

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[Whilst underwater]

Zoidberg

Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?

Hermes

That's a very good question...

Bender

Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!

Hermes

...That just raises further questions!!

S2 The Deep South