Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Professor Farnsworth

Ah, here comes the Big Backwards Bang. Ow! I'm being crushed by all the matter that ever was!

Professor

Ah, what a beautiful night for smell-gazing. [sniffing, retches]

Farnsworth

Now, Fry, before you go into space, you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you, though, he's a little unusual. [whispering] He wears sandals. [The door opens. Dr. Zoidberg, who is indeed wearing sandals, turns his head. Fry shrieks.] Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical.

Zoidberg

Excellent, excellent. [He bends over and retrieves a medical tool.]

Farnsworth

You'll be fine. [he leaves]

Zoidberg

Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.

Zoidberg

No, no, not that mouth.

Fry

I only have one.

Zoidberg

Really? [he pulls a reference card from his top pocket, then looks at it]

Fry

Uh... is there a human doctor around?

Zoidberg

[angrily] Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say [makes a bizarre gurgling noise]!

Fry

Uh... [clears throat, then very poorly imitates the noise Zoidberg had just made]

Zoidberg

[even more angrily] What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!!!

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.

Fry

Hey, Professor, great jerky!

Farnsworth

My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!

Farnsworth

It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.

Leela

Animals?

Farnsworth

That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.

Leela

Wait! What about the animals?

Farnsworth

Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.

Leela

Yes, but what about the animals?

Farnsworth

The wha?

Leela

The animals.

Farnsworth

I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.

Fry

I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?

Farnsworth

Baseball? God forbid.

Leela

Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as Mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.

Fry

Boring? Baseball wasn't bori— [He cuts himself off.] ... So, they finally jazzed it up!

Leela

[Noting score on a sheet of paper.] Alright! Miller's on pace to hit 70 blerns!

Farnsworth

He's good alright, but he's no Clem Johnson! And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory!

Bender

Clem Johnson! That sack of skin wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old robot league! Now, Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hittin' machine!

Leela

Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. I mean, come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.

Bender

Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was "just a modified howitzer"!

Leela

Yep.

Prof. Farnsworth

I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.

Fry

Wha?

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg

I'm not on trial here.

Fry

So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...

Zoidberg

Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Leela

You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?

Prof. Farnsworth

Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

Prof. Farnsworth

Good news, everyone!

Bender

Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Prof. Farnsworth

You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.

Bender

Here it comes.

Prof. Farnsworth

A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.

Bender

Thank you and goodnight.

Leela

Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?

Prof. Farnsworth

Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!

Fry

[After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]

Leela

I don't get it.

Professor Farnsworth

I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry

So what's it called now?

Professor Farnsworth

Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

Wernstrom

And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?

Farnsworth

Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.

Wernstrom

I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.

Farnsworth

Uh... last year, you say?

Wernstrom

That's right.

Farnsworth

Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?

Wernstrom

Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.

Farnsworth

Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

Professor Farnsworth

I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!

Bender

Ooh, name it after me!

Fry

Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.

Professor Farnsworth

Actually, that's still true.

Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?

With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]

Professor Farnsworth

Good news, everyone! We've got a very special delivery today.

Fry

Who's it going to?

Professor Farnsworth

Me.

Bender

[dusting off hands] Another job well done!