Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Fry

Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.

Professor Farnsworth

Well, in those days, Mars just was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But UNLIKE Utah, it was eventually made livable, when the university was founded in 2636.

Fry

Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!

Professor Farnsworth

Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]

All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!

Professor Farnsworth

NOOOOOO!

Leela

So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?

Prof. Farnsworth

All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.

Prof. Farnsworth

It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.

Leela

In what field?

Prof. Farnsworth

I don't care; they all pay the same.

Fry

Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?

Prof. Farnsworth

Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.

Fry

[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!

Prof. Farnsworth

Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Amy

There. How do I look?

Farnsworth

Like a cheap French harlot.

Amy

French?!

Bender

They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.

Amy

There aren't any copies left.

Farnsworth

No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.

Amy Wong

You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.

Bender

I'm 40% zinc!

Amy Wong

Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.

Professor Farnsworth

Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!

Professor Farnsworth

Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?

Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.

Professor Farnsworth

Tell them I hate them.

Bender

Hey! What the hell are you doing with my head?!

Professor Farnsworth

I need to tinker in it.

Bender

Then why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?

Fry

It's not like one vote ever made a difference.

Leela

That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote.

Bender

Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.

Prof. Farnsworth

But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Prof Farnsworth

The problem with both parties is they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.

Fry

The less fortunate get all the breaks!

Fry

You look different. Did you get a haircut?

Bender

No! I sold my body.

Prof. Farnsworth

Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.

Fry

It really puts you in the Christmas mood.

Prof. Farnsworth

What-mas?

Fry

Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.

Leela

Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".