Philip J. Fry quotes from Futurama

Fry

I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.

The new eyePhone has an app for that!

Bender

Does it have an app for kissing my shiny metal ass?

Several!

Fry

Hey, I’m beginning to think you guys don’t think I’m very smart.

Prof. Farnsworth

You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.

Fry

Einstein is a hard name to remember!

Fry

Ow!

Amy

Shmesh, Professor. Don't have a shmaneurism. Fry’s your distant relative.

Prof. Farnsworth

Not distant enough! I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I’m this monkey’s nephew.

Fry

But you’re my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, perhaps I’ve been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I’ll explain why I find you so repugnant.

Fry

I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.

Prof. Farnsworth

Quiet, you. I’m trying to deduce the function of Da Vinci’s lost invention.

Fry

Not even a card.

Prof. Farnsworth

My God! DaVinci's Vitruvian Man!

Fry

It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Bender

Dying sucks butt. How do you living beings cope with mortality?

Leela

Violent outbursts.

Amy

General sluttiness.

Fry

Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, I fear I may not survive this war re-enactment. I can’t believe we’re only 12 feet from the parking lot.

Fry

[Laughing.] This is every bit as fun as the real civil war.

Leela

Not the Civil War, private. We’re re-enacting the Sith-il War.

Fry

Sith? What the hoth?

Fry

If you were really dead you wouldn’t be laughing so hard.

Bender

Yeah, yeah. Death’s a big deal to you fleshbags. But in case you didn’t notice, I’m a robot.

Fry

So? What if something heavy fell on you? Like a church? You could still die.

Bender

Nuh uh! My wireless backup unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop. I just download into another body. I’m immortal, baby.

Amy

What? Then how come you always scream so much when you’re in danger?

Bender

I never said I wasn’t a drama queen.

Farnsworth

You're not going anywhere!

Fry

But I have a date.

Farnsworth

You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention.

Farnsworth

Behold! A time travelling machine!

Bender

Time? I can't go back there!

Farnsworth

Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.

Fry

I wouldn't wanna do that again.

Fry

You know, all in all, I had a good life. What you say the three of us grab a six pack and watch the universe end?

Farnsworth

Hear, hear!

Bender

That's basically what I do every day. [pulls out a six pack]

Fry

To the end of the universe.

Fry

So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.

Fry

Hey, uh, what was the purpose of life anyway?

Farnsworth

Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.

Bender

Mm-hm.

Fry

Sounds about right.

Farnsworth

The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness. [shakes his can at Bender]

Bender

Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint. [takes Farnsworth's old can and gives him a new one]

Farnsworth

[takes a sip from his new can] Ah, the last proton should be decaying about now.

Fry

Bye, last proton.

Farnsworth

And... [stands up] ...here we are; the end of the universe.

Fry

Well, now what? You guys wanna talk?

Bender

No thanks.

Leela

I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it.

Fry

That was the old Fry. He's dead now.

Hermes

And here's something. [Finds a fossilized dog] Uh-oh, it's another one of Fry's dogs.

Fry

Did you find something, Hermes?

Hermes

No.

Fry

So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body.

Hermes

You aren't, are you?

Fry

Of course not, but I was willing to lie about it! What more can a man do?

Hermes

A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.

Fry

Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.

Zoidberg

Friends, friends! I have barnacles in my tuchus! [opens his trousers to reveal barnacles on his buttocks]

Hermes

[to Fry] The long search is over.

Leela

Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?

Fry

Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.

Leela

You mean, like my penis?

Ndnd

I demand the ancient ritual of Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or consequences!

Fry

Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or what?!

Fry

So? What do you think of my comic?

Bender

Let me put it like this: After I leave here, I'm getting a memory enema.