Philip J. Fry quotes from Futurama

Farnsworth

Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.

Fry

Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.

Dr. Zoidberg

Why?

Fry

'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.

Dr. Zoidberg

I can so relate to that.

Leela

Enough with the emotions. This isn't a fat camp.

Fry

Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn--

Bender

I'll say! WOOOOO!

Fry

But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good.

Bender

That's what she said! WOOOOO!

Leela

Let's face it, you two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac.

Fry

However huge it might be.

Lrrr

So let me get this straight... if I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp.

Bender

Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards.

Fry

[steps forward] Oh great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn.

Lrrr

Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for. What is it, something you put in salad dressing?

Ndnd

Like you've ever seen a salad.

Lrrr

My weight is APPROPRIATE and ATTRACTIVE!

Fry

Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!

Bender

[from offscreen] Just like at the movie theater! WOOOOO!

Leela

Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?

Fry

At, uh, uh, a concert.

Leela

Ooh, was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.

Bender

So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?

Leela

Yeah, it's weird; Sean was uneducated, unambitious. He was pasty and hunched--

Fry

[quietly] Pretty boy...

Leela

But when he played I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul. Then one day I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.

Fry

That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch. If I could just learn to play this stupid thing.

Bender

Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by "devil", I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat.

Leela

Oh, Fry. All this time you've had this incredible gift and I never knew. I've been a fool. A fully-justified, prudent fool. [holds his new hands, then quickly draws them back] They're so cold...

Robot Devil

[shouting from street below them] And yet hell is so hot! [laughs briefly] Can I have my hands back now?

Fry

No!

Robot Devil

[sulkily] You're not nice!

Fry

Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy!

Prof. Farnsworth

Okay.

Fry

That's all. [slicks his hair back] Oh, also, I'm covered with severe burns.

Prof. Farnsworth

So? What of it?

Fry

Well, why is... those things?

Prof. Farnsworth

You mean you don't remember?

Fry

Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker pingases on my forehead.

Professor Farnsworth

Prepare for rebirth! Come on, stem cells, work your astounding scientific nonsense!

Fry

Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?

Professor Farnsworth

In your time, yes, but nowadays— shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.

Bender

Who are you, my warranty?

Fry

Does anybody else feel jealous and aroused and worried?

Bender

I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

Fry

Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?

Prof. Farnsworth

That makes the most sense of all.

Prof. Farnsworth

Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came X3, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter.

Prof. Farnsworth

And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

Fry

You mean...

Hermes

[to Farnsworth] So you're saying this thing is censoring indecent planets?

Prof. Farnsworth

Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.

Amy

[Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?

Fry

For God's sake! Censor it! Censor it!

Approved for all audiences!

Fry

Nooooo!

Leela

So long, overly-complicated Japanese toilet!

Please, not throw away. I give you, uh, happy poopy time!

Fry

Sorry, you know too much.

Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold the charge and the reception isn't very…

Fry

Shut up and take my money!

Fry

That was low, Bender, even by your standards.

Bender

My what, now?

Fry

Since when is the Internet about robbing people of their privacy?

Bender

August 6, 1991.