Philip J. Fry quotes from Futurama

A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years.

Prof. Farnsworth

Yes, I have.

Fry

And I'm his uncle!

How charmingly unconventional.

Fry

I can eat a hot dog underwater!

Fry

I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.

Leela

How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump, or a Zoidberg face!

Zoidberg

[freaked-out] Urgh!

Leela

You want to know what it's like to be a mutant? Jump in and go for a swim.

Fry

I would, but I just ate a bunch of potato salad, so...

Leela

Yeah. That's what I thought. You are all surface.

Amy

Something's wrong. It's way too quiet.

Fry

Like the deadly Prius.

Zoidberg

What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking?

Prof. Farnsworth

[gasps] It's an albino humping worm!

Fry

Why do they call it that?

Prof. Farnsworth

Because it doesn't have any pigment.

Fry

Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?

Robot Santa

[singing] It's the violentest season of the year.

Old Kringle-bot has come to spread some mugs of Xmas fear.

Robot Santa

Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head

Leela

On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel,

Robot Santa

But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial,

We have to have a pine tree as coniferous.

Robot Santa

[flies away] You're welcome.

Fry

Wait. Why didn't that hurt? [stretches pants to check] Aggghhh! My wing-wang's gone!

Leela

My girls!

Bender

My antenna!

My kajigger!

Zoidberg

My gonopores!

Zoidberg

Look it up.

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!

Fry

Like the Kardashians!

Prof. Farnsworth

Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.

Fry

Don't wait for me.

Prof. Farnsworth

It's nonconvergent!

Fry

[alarmed] Oh, dip!

Fry

Bender, you duuu.

Bender

No, we duuu.

Mayor Poopenmeyer

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero. Mr. Fry, allow me to present you with the keys to the city. This one's for the deadbolt, this is for the top lock... I think this one's for the knob. The city's in a bad neighborhood. Care to say a few words, son?

Fry

Uh... Heroes don't do drugs! Except for Drugman, I guess.

Fry

All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. [dials a number.]

Hermes

Who you gonna call?

Fry

Gho— [interrupted by a beep.]

The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.

Fry

Hello. I'd like to enroll in Police Academy.

You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?

Fry

That's the plan.

I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.

Fry

I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.

Welcome to Police Academy. [both shake hands]

I'll make it short and sweet, because I'm PMSing like a lumberjack. Police academy is not easy. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But if you've got the vulva to stick it out, you ladies will make excellent policemen.

Fry

Sir, yes, ma'am!

Officer URL

What's in the box Schrodinger?

A cat, some poison and a caesium atom.

Fry

The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead!?

Officer URL

Answer him fool.

It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.

Fry

Says you. [Fry opens the box and a cat leaps out at him.]

Officer URL

There's also a lot of drugs in there.

URL

And to think he was only a few days from retirement.

Fry

What happened to him?

URL

He took a early retirement, damn.