Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

Chandler

Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked.

Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler

Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there.

Joey

Instead of...?

Chandler

That's right.

Joey

Never had that dream.

Phoebe

No.

Chandler

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica

They weren't looking at you before?

Chandler

Finally, I figure I better answer it. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very very weird, because- she never calls me!

Ross

[Enters, mortified] Hi.

Joey

This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica

Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler

Cookie?

Monica

[Explaining to others] Carol moved her stuff out today. [To Ross] Let me get you some coffee.

Ross

Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Phoebe

But...

Ross

No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe

Fine... be murky.

Ross

I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica

No, you don't.

Ross

No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!

Joey

And you never knew she was a lesbian?

Ross

No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Chandler

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

[To Phoebe] Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe

Oh... I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Chandler

I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross

Yeah, and -- and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that -- that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.

Chandler

You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

Rachel

Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey

Are we still talking about sex?

Phoebe

There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler

Oh! Satan's minions at work again.

Phoebe

Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.

Joey

What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe

It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!

Rachel

Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Ross

A thumb?

Joey

Ewwww!

Phoebe

I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

Chandler

Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

Monica

Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey

Probably kill myself.

Monica

Excuse me?

Joey

Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.

Ross

Joey, omnipotent.

Joey

You are? I'm so sorry.

Ross

It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel

Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler

We can? All right, I'm trying that.

Joey

You know what blows my mind? Women can see breast whenever they want, you just look down and they are there! How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe

You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

Ross

... Multiple Orgasms!

Monica

What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey

I couldn't do it.

Monica

Good for you, Joey.

Joey

When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Rachel

Come on, someone go.

Monica

OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.

Ross

That's my sister.

Joey

OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.

Monica

Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?

Ross

Phoebs, what about you?

Phoebe

Oh um... Milwaukee.

Rachel

Um... Ross?

Ross

Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe

Ooh, Rachel.

Rachel

Oh come on, I already went.

Monica

You did not go.

Rachel

All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.

Ross

Step back...

Joey

We have a winner!

Chandler

Do either of you have the keys?

Monica

The oven is on!

Rachel

Oh, I've got to get my ticket!

Joey

Wait, wait, we have a copy of your keys.

Monica

Well then, get it, get it!

Joey

Hey, hey, that tone won't make me go any faster.

Monica

Joey.

Joey

That one will.

Rachel

Oh, and -- and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.

Monica

What's a niffle?

Joey

You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Rachel

All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist...

Ross

Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? I tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Phoebe

I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler

What are you guys doing out here?

Ross

Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey

Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross

No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey

Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler

Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

Joey

[to Ross] ... and then he said, "When are you gonna start acting like my mom?" then she said "When are you

Ross

Are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna realize I am your mom?

Joey

Oh... That makes more sense.