Joey Tribbiani quotes from Friends

Joey

Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross

Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

Monica

[happy] And that would be a shut-down!

[in unison] SHUT-OUT!!

Joey

Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?

Chandler

That's patio furniture.

Joey

So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Uh-oh, I'm outside again!"

Ross

Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey

How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross

Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Ross

I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

That's nice.

Ross

No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.

Joey

Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Ross

Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

Joey

All right, all right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?

Chandler

Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to The Russian Tea Room.

Do you know anything about fixing radiators?

Joey

Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?

Of course.

Joey

Oh. Then no.

Chandler

I got her machine.

Joey

Her answering machine?

Chandler

No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Joey

Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...

Phoebe

You know he's gay?

Ross

I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

Joey

My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler

Joey... Switzerland?

Chandler

Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel

No, forget it.

Chandler

Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel

All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.

Joey

All right!

Ross

Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?

Rachel

No.

Ross

You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?

Rachel

No, it was just the three of us.

Ross

Huh!

Joey

So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Phoebe

That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

Joey

Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station..

Chandler

[To Joey] Now you are scaring me.

Joey

I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey -- but at the end of two weeks, I get 700 dollars!

Phoebe

Wow! Ooh, you're going to be making money hand-over-fist!

Chandler

Men are here.

Joey

We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler

Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

Joey

Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler

Crazy bitch.