Father Jack quotes from Father Ted, page 2 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Frank Kelly

3rd most-quoted character in Father Ted: in 41 of its 281 quotes
Most scenes with: Father Ted (20), Father Dougal (7), Mrs Doyle (6)

Scenes with Father Jack 30

Bishop Brennan

Now, Jack, where are we gonna send you, huh? Jack, wake up!

Father Ted

Bishop, I wouldn't do that!

Bishop Brennan

You shut up. Jack! Wake up!

Father Jack

[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face] FECK OFF!

Bishop Brennan

(Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off)

S1 The Passion of St Tibulus

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Father Ted

[annoyed] I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again! [sits down]

Father Jack

Who are you supposed to be?

Father Ted

Elvis. I'm Elvis.

Father Jack

I'm Elvis.

Father Ted

I know you're Elvis, Father, we're all Elvis. That's the problem!

S1 Competition Time

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Mrs Doyle

Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.

Father Jack

Me arse!

S1 And God Created Woman

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Father Ted

[quoting The Dead] "It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..."

Father Jack

SHUT THE FECK UP!

S1 Grant unto Him Eternal Rest

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Father Ted

(Using a long stick with Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance) Father, father, wake up! It's just us.

Jack

(Waking up) Get to feck! (Throws down stick) Drrrriiink!(Reaches for his glass and begins to drink)

Father Ted

(Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's...

Father Jack

FECKIN' WATER!

S2 Think Fast, Father Ted

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FPFather Purcell

We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."

Father Ted

Are you alright there Fathers?

Father Jack

HELP ME!!!

FPFather Purcell

Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?

Father Ted

Er I don't know what you're....

FPFather Purcell

Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!

Father Ted

(to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...

Father Jack

Thank CHRIST!

FPFather Purcell

Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

S2 Think Fast, Father Ted

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Father Ted

Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?

Father Jack

CAR!

Father Ted

Oh, god...

Father Jack

Drived the car!

Father Ted

Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?

Father Jack

(looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!

Father Ted

Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?

Father Jack

Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!

Father Ted

A truck?!

Father Jack

(smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!

Father Ted

Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.

S2 Think Fast, Father Ted

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Father Ted

Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. [cut to Father Jack trapped in a store cupboard with Father Purcell, becoming more frantic and irate]

FPFather Purcell

We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler ... [Ted opens the door]

Father Ted

Are you alright there, Fathers?

Father Jack

HELP ME!!!

FPFather Purcell

Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?

Father Ted

Er I don't know what you're....

FPFather Purcell

Father Ted

[to Father Purcell] Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...

Father Jack

Thank CHRIST! [Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]

FPFather Purcell

Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

Father Ted

Would you like a ticket, Father?

FPFather Purcell

Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112.

Father Ted

112?

FPFather Purcell

All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose.

S2 Think Fast, Father Ted

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Father Jack

(to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.

BOBishop O'Neill

Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father.

S2 Tentacles of Doom

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(Father Ted is standing in front of a sitting Father Jack, with a board between them)

Father Ted

Right, father, now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.

Father Jack

Drink! (throws can of beer)

Father Ted

Now, father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.

Father Jack

Feck!

Father Ted

No, you can't say that either.

Father Jack

Girls!

Father Ted

Look father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.

Father Jack

Drink!

Father Ted

Right, now I want you to have a look at this.

(Ted turns a page on the board, with the words "That would be an ecumenical matter" and “Yes” written on it)

Father Ted

Have a go at the first one here... "That". (points to word)

Father Jack

(concentrating) Drink!

Father Ted

No, no, no, no. "That".

Father Jack

(trying hard) Drink!

Father Ted

Now come on, father, concentrate. "That".

Father Jack

Drink!

Father Ted

"That"

Father Jack

Drink!

Father Ted

"That"

Father Jack

Drink!

Father Ted

"That"

(this continues a few more times)

Father Ted

Now come on now father! I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.

Father Jack

Drink?

Father Ted

Yes I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".

Father Jack

(trying very very hard). Th.. th... th... h.... Drink!

Father Ted

Come on now father you almost had it! "That".

Father Jack

Th.. th... th... h.... That!

Father Ted

Great!

Father Jack

That!

Father Ted

Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would"

Father Jack

That... W.... W... W...

Father Ted

"Would!", "Would!"

Father Jack

W... W... Drink!

(Jack collapses back into chair in despair, while Ted smashes the board away in frustration)

S2 Tentacles of Doom

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BFBishop Fachs

So many people are cynical about such things. You can hardly open a newspaper these days without reading some trendy anti-clerical article written by some bearded lefty!

Father Jack

Yes!

BFBishop Fachs

A spell in the Army would do them a world of good!

Father Jack

That would be an ecumenical matter!

S2 Tentacles of Doom

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[Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up.]

Father Jack

Drink!

Father Ted