Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Ted

It's like asking the Holy Mother to stop appearing to schoolgirls at Ballinspittle.

Father Ted

Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

Father Ted

...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!

Father Ted

Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles.

Father Ted

(That night, after destroying the car…): AH, JESUS, WE'RE DEAD! OH, GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

Father Ted

That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

Father Ted

The bishops will come around, and see that we're a normal, everyday parish, and go away. Nothing to worry about at all!

Father Ted

Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Father Ted

(in microphone) It's between Imelda and Mary in the lovely laugh tie break!

Father Ted

In order to hear your lovely laugh, I'll have to tell you a joke. So here we go... this is my Robin Williams impression.

Father Ted

Alright. This is a long shot, but it's our only hope.

Father Ted

I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here and hopefully in the morning God will have written down what we should do.

Father Ted

No, Father this is a nun.

Father Ted

[Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...

Father Ted

[terrified] AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH!

Father Ted

Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window!

Father Ted

But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.