The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...
God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?
Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....
I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?
(mystified) What are you talking about?
Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...
You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.
(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)
[being attacked by a murder of crows] Feckin' feathered eejits! Gobshites, the lot of ya!
(Ted has just convinced Father Finnegan, the 'Dancing Priest', to loan him his car to show off as a 'raffle prize' in place of the wrecked car from Bishop Brennan. Ted holds the keys in front of Dougal)
We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."
Are you alright there Fathers?
Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Er I don't know what you're....
Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!
(to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!
FOFather O'Dwyer
Look, I'll have the money for you next week. Please, just one more chance that's all I ask, please. For Gods sake have some pity. I'm a priest!
Oh they have you everywhere you know. I was in the AA there for a while, but the insurance was very expensive.
I had to crash the car to get the money back and they had witnesses who said they'd seen me steer it towards the wall you know. There was talk of me going to jail for a while!! (Dougal gets up and walks off, he turns to the holy father) Ah its yourself!! (carries on rambling on to Him)
Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?
Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?
(looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!
Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?
Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
(smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!
Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.
This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...
Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. [cut to Father Jack trapped in a store cupboard with Father Purcell, becoming more frantic and irate]
We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler ... [Ted opens the door]
Are you alright there, Fathers?
Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Er I don't know what you're....
Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that! [Ted has to prevent Jack punching an oblivious Purcell]
[to Father Purcell] Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Thank CHRIST! [Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]
Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!
Would you like a ticket, Father?
Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112.
All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose.
