Bloody hell!
Good news Ted?
“Tentacles of Doom” · Season 2
In this episode: Father Ted (13), Father Dougal (12), Bishop O'Neill (5), Father Jack (3), Mrs Doyle (1)
(on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Dougal! They're bishops!
(looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...
(points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.
Bishops love sci-fi!
[apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!
[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]
Anyway, back to religion.
That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.
(to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.
Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father.
Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?
No, a dog ran off with them.
Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?
(after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.
So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you've been having with beliefs or anything like that?
Well you know the way God made us, and he's looking down at us from heaven?
Yeah...
And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Uh huh...
And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Yes. What about it?
Well that's the part I have trouble with!
(to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?
AAll
Amen.
Eamonn.
Everlasting Life? Big Demons sticking hot pokers up Your arse for all Eternity? I don't buy it
(Ted receives bad news)
Bloody hell!
Good news Ted?
Father Ted (sitting down): No Dougal, very bad news. It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert. The Vatican have decided to upgrade it to a Class II relic.
Great!
No it's not great! That means they'll be sending over some bishops to do a ceremony. And you know what that's like - we'll have to be on our best behaviour.
I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone. Wasn't someone cured there?
No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
The bishops will come around, and see that we're a normal, everyday parish, and go away. Nothing to worry about at all!
(Father Jack, who has used the fire to light a cigarette, gets up from the fireplace, his head on fire. Oblivious, he sits back down to continue reading a magazine entitled "Girls")
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.