Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. [cut to Father Jack trapped in a store cupboard with Father Purcell, becoming more frantic and irate]
We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler ... [Ted opens the door]
Are you alright there, Fathers?
HELP ME!!!
Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Er I don't know what you're....
Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that! [Ted has to prevent Jack punching an oblivious Purcell]
[to Father Purcell] Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Thank CHRIST! [Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]
Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!
Would you like a ticket, Father?
Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112.
112?
All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose.
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