[Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up.]
Drink!
No Father, it's just fizzy water.
Jacob's Creek chardonnay 1991!
You can tell just by the sound?
“Old Grey Whistle Theft” · Season 2
In this episode: Father Ted (5), Father Dougal (4), Father Jack (1)
God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?
FFrank
Fup off, you grasshole!
(Father Dougal and Father Damien Lennon have finished playing football and are standing in front of Damien's parochial house)
FDFather Damien
(smoking) Here, you want one? (offers cigarette to Dougal)
Ah no thanks Father Lennon.
(Father Damien puts cigarettes back into his pocket)
What time's your tea ready?
FDFather Damien
Frosty usually has it about six.
Who?
FDFather Damien
(annoyed). Frosty! Father Frost!
(incredibly impressed by Damien's attitude) Oh wow! "Frosty"! Brilliant!
(Father Damien flicks cigarette from his hand out of the frame)
FDFather Damien
What do you call your fella?
Who, Ted? Just Ted.
(Father Damien looks very unimpressed)
But it's the way I say it, you know?
FDFather Damien
He's an awful eejit isn't he?
(pauses) Yeah.
(In the background, Father Frost walks out of the parochial house)
FDFather Damien
Which one do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?
Blur.
FDFather Damien
(shocked) What???
Oasis! I mean Oasis!
FFFather Frost
(in the background) Father Damien, your tea is ready!
FDFather Damien
(yelling) I'LL BE IN INNA MINUTE!
FFrank
Fup off, ya pedrophile!
(A resident of Craggy Island speaks to Father Ted about the front page news of the stolen whistle)
EElderly Lady
Hello Father, did you hear about the whistle being stolen?
Yes, I was--
EElderly Lady
I never thought that I'd see the like. What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boyz in the Hood. And then they'll have whores selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control--' [Gun shot fires in background] '--I'm going home now, Father, to lock meself in the basement til they catch that fella. Good-bye to ye father.
...Good-bye.
(Ted and Dougal are asleep in bed. Dougal is talking in his sleep... dreaming that he is a contestant on Countdown)
Consonant please Carol.... Vowel... another consonant.
(Ted is awake)
Vowel. Consonant.
(Ted turns the light on and gets up)
Richard. Where you going?
Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley. Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.
(Ted leaves the room and turns the light off)
Consonant. Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)
Dougal, is there anything on your mind?
(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)
Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?
Like what Ted?
Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?
Wrong?
Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".
(Dougal looks clueless and confused)
Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.
(Dougal continues to look confused)
What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".
(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)
Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.
Swearing. Yeah.
Anything else?
(Dougal is racking his brains)
Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?
(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!
Thanks Ted.
(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)
Dougal are you all right?
I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.
(Dougal sits back down)
Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.
No worries Ted.
(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)
Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.
(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)
What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.
Right. Except you.
(shocked) What?
Well you're allowed to steal.
(indignant) What are you talking about?
The money. From that Lourdes thing.
(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)
(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!
It was resting for a long time Ted.
Yes, but...
A good long rest.
(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!
Is there anything you want to tell me about?
(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)
This, for example?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.