Bishop Brennan quotes from Father Ted

Bishop Brennan

People are coming from all over the country to see the film! They're even coming from Gdańsk to see the film!

Bishop Brennan

Once again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.

Bishop Brennan

HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?

Bishop Brennan

[angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Father Ted

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted

I don't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted

Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan

The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!

Dougal

They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted

Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!

Dougal'

Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan

I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted

What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Dougal

Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted

Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Bishop Brennan

Right, now I think it would be best for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside my jurisdiction! Now Ted, I thought you might like to go to America. What part, do you reckon?

Father Ted

Um...Las Vegas?

Bishop Brennan

Oh, I'm sorry Ted, I meant South America. Ah, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never found the right man to bring them to gether in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, Ted, are the man!

Father Ted

[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!

Bishop Brennan

No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?

Father Jack

Feck off.

Bishop Brennan

What did you say?! [stands up]

Father Ted

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted

I didn't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted

Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan

The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged!

Father Dougal

They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted

Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump!

Father Dougal

Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan

I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted

What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Father Dougal

Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted

Your Grace, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? [storms out]

Father Dougal

Bye, now.

Bishop Brennan

Right, now I think it would be best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction! Huh?! Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America, hm? What part, do you think?

Father Ted

Well, um...Las Vegas?

Bishop Brennan

Oh, I'm sorry I’m sorry, did I meant South America. Oh look, see, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, are the man!

Father Ted

[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!

Bishop Brennan

No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

Father Ted

No.

Bishop Brennan

Well not to worry, not to worry. It'll come to you. (laughs softly before facing Dougal) Now, Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny, how, some of these places in the Philippines can keep on going without a proper sewerage system, hm?

Father Dougal

I’m right there, your Honour.

Bishop Brennan

Now, Jack, where are we gonna send you, huh? Jack, wake up!

Father Ted

Bishop, I wouldn't do that!

Bishop Brennan

You shut up. Jack! Wake up!

Father Jack

[Suddenly, Jack opened his right eye, revealing his cataracted eye before violently punches Bishop Brennan in the face] FECK OFF!

Bishop Brennan

(Now shocked and angry, along with a severe nosebleed in his nostrils) I got you all, Jack! I got you! Oh, my God! If you think this place is bad, wait ‘til you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE!!! (He storms off)

Bishop Brennan

Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.

Father Ted

Oh feck! [realises his mistake]

Bishop Brennan

WHAT!?

Father Ted

[putting on a bad French accent] 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! [hangs up]

Bishop Brennan

Alright Crilly, I'll make this short. What would the following suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?

Father Ted

Oh no!

Bishop Brennan

Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a hat and a pair of socks! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...

Father Ted

Yes, your Grace?

Bishop Brennan

[referring to the previous call] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!

Father Ted

(trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?

Father Dougal

(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan

What did he just say?!

Father Ted

Ah, I can explain...

Bishop Brennan

Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Ted

(trying to stall Bishop Brennan after he had thrown himself into the stairs) I'm all right, Bishop. I'm fine now, thanks. Phew! (laughs uneasily)

Father Dougal

(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan

What did he say?!

Father Ted

Look, I'd better tell you...

Bishop Brennan

Did he call me Len again? (shouting down the stairs) You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Dougal

Sorry, Bishop Len Brennan!

Bishop Brennan

Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!

Dougal

Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Bishop Brennan

Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Father Jack

Arse biscuits!

What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!

Father Jack

[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.

Father Ted

[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.