Father Fintan Stack quotes from Father Ted

Father Fintan Stack

I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted

Oh, go right ahead.

Father Stack

I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Fintan Stack

What are we watching?

We're looking at the sports day.

Father Fintan Stack

Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!

Father Ted

Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.

Father Stack

Yes I am.

Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.

Father Stack

If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

Father Ted

Dougal, where did you go to?

Dougal

Ted, how are ya!

Father Ted

(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...

Dougal

Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted

What?

Dougal

(confused) What?

Father Ted

Dougal! Have you been drinking?

Dougal

I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!

Father Ted

Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

Dougal

(shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.

Father Stack

Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted

Oh, well, that is the last straw.

Dougal

I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)

Father Stack

Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal

I can see up your trousers, Ted!

Father Ted

Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!

Ted, it's getting a little late.

Yes, I really think we should go.

Father Ted

No, you don't have to go.

I think we should.

Father Stack

(leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.

Father Ted

Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.

Dougal

To the pub, Ted.

Father Fintan Stack

I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted

Oh, go right ahead.

Father Stack

I wasn't asking for permission.